Marriage ... Divorce ... and Friends ...

Lately I've been contemplating my friendships ... past, present, future ... and it got me thinking about some things ....

When my ex-husband and I started dating I had a huge social network ... I had friends from the two high schools I had attended, from college, from several jobs I had worked at ... I had a group of guys I played roller hockey with ... I had friends I worked at the local amusement park with that I hung out with late at night at Denny's and IHOP or just their houses ... I had enough girl friends from various aspects in my life that when we got engaged I could think of more than twelve potential bridesmaids ... I was a social, popular person ... I just was ...

I ran across a picture a few days ago of my ex and I and a group of my friends, from various parts of my life at a Christmas party I hosted two months before he asked me to marry him ... and then I started remembering things ... well, I knew the concept had existed in my life ... but I started remembering the details ... of how I pushed a lot of my friends away ... for various reasons ... but mostly because he was uncomfortable around them ... all my friends from the high school I graduated from were giving me updates on my ex-boyfriend ... the one I was still dating when I graduated from high school and well into my freshman year of college ... my ex-husband hated that ... he really didn't like being reminded I had a past at all ... and now that I have more experience dating people that have pasts ... I understand more where he was

Where's My Yield Sign? ....

I haven't written in sooo long ... and I apologize to those that actually look forward to me posting ... okay maybe nobody does ... maybe you all do ... I don't know ...

But, life has been insanely busy ... I want to know where the yield sign on life is right now ... just let everything kind of slow down a bit ... in March and April I was really busy with spring break and then the start of a new job ...

I am working now at an Alzheimer's Center .... which is both rewarding and extremely hard ... I think I would rather die in pain or slowly lose the use of my physical body than to lose my mind the way my poor residents have ... it is an extremely sad disease ... that nobody should have to live with either from the inside or as a family member from the outside looking in ... I work two 12 hour nights from 6pm to 6am and I do work my butt off for those 24 hours a week ... but I adjusted really quickly to the schedule because when I started the job my kids were with my ex for a few weeks, so I adjusted really quickly to sleeping during the day and being awake at night and

A Political Spew ...

I think that many people are wayyyy too stuck on the labels in politics ... instead of looking at individual issues ... I know people that both hate and love the president that would actually agree with each other on almost every single issue ... but they’re stuck on the label of democrat or republican ... I am neither ... because I balance each issue and politician as they stand alone ... I also am over the name calling, stone throwing, and bullying based on the labels ... if you want to criticize the other side use hard facts ... not rumors .. and not just some derogatory statement ... remember that these people were elected to office ... so the majority of the people wanted them there ... I also find it interesting how people don't understand how the three branches of our government work and blame one branch when another is to blame ... or really all of them ... because it's designed to have checks and balances ... and it does ... I guess all and all I am proud to be an American (especially today) ... and proud of our abilities to be free and make choices ... and that is what we should do ... not just say ... oh he's good or bad based on his political party or some rumor we heard ... we have a right in this country to think for ourselves ... and to vote on that ... to follow any political party blindly is really quite idiotic … regardless of which party you affiliate yourself with …. If you want to call the president (whether Bush or Obama or whatever president present, past or future it happens to be) an idiot or stupid or unpatriotic … be able to back it up … but actually … in a more intelligent manner … why don’t you start with your back up … and not lower yourself to name calling … or to uninformed statements …

I have seen so much lately where the president has been blamed for things he has no control over … and things that are twisted and contorted to a point that they’re nearly unrecognizable …. One of the biggest is that Obama wants to cut military pay … where on earth did anyone get this from? … he vowed not to freeze military pay along with other federal pay (despite heavy protesting from several democratic congressmen) … and he proposed a 1.4% increase in pay which while smaller than usual is in line with the mathematical equation that every president since 1972 has used … with one exception … when Clinton was president and he proposed no pay increase for military … but guess what? Guess who has the real power on this subject? … The legislative branch … not the executive branch … when Clinton proposed no pay raise … congress went

The Tides Seem To Be Changing ....

This last week has taken on a life of it's own ... in a good way ... the first was the opportunity to start writing for a gaming site, focused on all aspects of gaming and electronic entertainment ... the second was an actual job, as a CNA (which is what I am working toward my RN) that I was offered on Friday ... then yesterday I was offered a job writing for another website ... a World of Warcraft exclusive website ... writing articles specializing in priests ... then actually in game ... I downed two new raid bosses (Magmaw and Omnotron) .... I looted a rare fishing pole from my fishing daily ... finally, I hit the 15 pound mark on my diet I started February 1st ...  it's just been a very different week than I have had recently ...

Of course the best and most important news is that I have a job ... well, technically, three ...

Maybe It Really Is Me ....

So have you ever had a group where you felt like maybe you didn't quite fit in? Or maybe you just had rotten timing or bad luck? Like say ... a book club ... where every time you're not there they go out for coffee and dessert after the club ... or a basketball league where every time you're not there they go out for drinks and appetizers or go back to someone's house .. or or or ... I think everyone has had experiences like that at some point ... and maybe it is just a matter of luck or coincidence ... but lately I've had some of these experiences ....

Now, mine are in the gaming world ... and that really makes it no different except you're not physically in the same space as other people ... but every time I'm on and  can and want to go

Opportunities ...

So, I think everyone that writes a blog has the dream that someone will stumble upon their blog and give them an opportunity ... to do something .... to write, to review, to teach ... to do many, many other things depending on any individual blogger ... and while I kind of had some of these fantasies myself, I never really, really thought about it. I've wanted to be a fiction novelist for as long as I can remember, even did a mentor-ship program in the fifth grade with a local author ... and someday, someday ... I will sit down and work on the book that I've been writing and re-writing in my head for the last twenty or so years .... but ... over the last few weeks an opportunity was presented to me ...

Someone came across my blog and read some of my posts that are more in depth about gaming ... such as my one on gaming addictions and stereotypes and well ... they offered me an internship of sorts. Project Allison is a project devoted to putting out a new gaming & entertainment arts news and networking website ... set to launch later this year. They asked me to be on board as a staff writer coming in on the ground floor. I know that I have to submit four articles a week, but otherwise we are still working out the details of content. This will be unpaid for now ... but as their profits kick in from advertising,etc., the pay will kick in as well ... do I know

Art School ... FTW ...

Okay, so those of you that follow my blog regularly know that I have issues with the fact that my two daughters are two very different individuals ... I struggle with labeling them as the "academic one" and the "creative one" because I don't want to pigeon hole them ... I don't want them to think that I'm calling the one that more naturally excels at academics and is actually interested in it "smarter" than the other ... because that's not true ... she applies herself differently ... and different ... is okay ...

But ... all that being said ... my "creative one" is looking at an amazing prospect in a school ... an art school ... public mind you ... I couldn't afford private ... that is for grades 6 through 12 ... she'll have to apply and have recommendations from some of her current teachers ... and

Disturbing Thoughts ...

Okay, so I'm kind of angry about this ... so if this is kind of discombobulated, I apologize in advance .... this girl is truly disturbing ... I chose to embed this video rather than her original because honestly I don't want to give her more attention ...








First and foremost, let me say that I am a cradle Lutheran ... ELCA ... not LCMS .... trust me there's a difference .... a rather large one ... but my point in that being .... that I am a Christian, baptized, first communioned, confirmed, parochial school graduated, my kids are baptized ... and while I logically doubt pieces and I personally believe that the Bible is partly metaphorical fiction ... proverbs if you will ... I do believe in the Christian God ... I believe that Jesus walked this earth as the Son of God ... and that the symbolism in Him dying on the cross for our sins is an incredibly important part of my religion ... so in other words, yes, I am a Christian ... I am a believer .... but I am sick and tired of extremists giving Christianity a bad name ... the God I believe in is loving ... not to be feared ... I don't think he cares about every single action or thought or whatever we do ... because even being a supernatural spirit, there are way too many people on this

The Stay At Home Mom ... Curse? ....

If you had asked me 5 years ago if I would ever be writing a blog like this I would have told you that you were totally and completely nuts ... if you had asked for my honest opinion 5 years ago as to whether or not being a stay-at-home mom was the better best choice for any growing family that could afford it ... I would have said ABSOFREAKINLUTELY ... and then the walls came tumbling down ...

Now before I say all this ... please don't think for a minute that I actually regret the time I spent with my children ... watching them grow ... nurturing them ... seeing every single milestone ... taking all the teaching moments I could ... being their main source of, well, everything .... because I wouldn't  change it for the world ... quite literally ... which will make more sense in a few sentences ....

So the walls came tumbling down ... in April 2008 ... my separation and divorce process started ... at the time I had been a full-time stay at home mom for 5 years ... I had a part-time job in retail management ... which I honestly got for sanity, to get me out of the house, to talk to adults, but ended up relying on the extra income ... I held that job for about 2 1/2 years before the divorce process started ... but ...

I was left in the end with a more than half-finished degree that I gave up on because I was going to be a stay at home mom ...  and really no job history .... in an economy that sucks ... I had no way of supporting myself ... it wasn't for lack of trying if I could list the hundreds, no thousands of jobs that I have applied for since 2008 ... well, I don't think anyone that isn't in it can

Offense vs Defense ...

I think in life often times people confuse these two areas ...


I've seen it a few times recently ...

When you say and do things completely unprovoked, without someone opening that door for you, I think that makes you an offensive person ... this can lead to good things in places like Corporate America ... but when it comes to friendships and relationships there is a whole different story ... I think that's my definition of bully ... someone that does and says hurtful things unprovoked ... when the person they're doing them to, has caused them no harm .... that kind of offensiveness ... is in my honest opinion ... wrong ... it's the opposite of all things good ... it lacks compassion ... and an understanding of humanity ....


On the flip side ...

Quakes & Waves ...

I was playing COD on the XBox last night when the people in our lobby started talking about the earthquake in Japan ... and the tsunamis ... and the tsunami warnings that Hawaii, Alaska and the west coast were under ... I got off the xbox and hopped online to look at some of the news and then I saw my Godbrother posted the information on the evacuations in Washington, Oregon and California ... it was around 3am at that point and I just had to get some sleep ....

I figured I'd wake up to more news ... to people on Facebook that would be talking about it ... but not so much ... I had one friend who is in Hawaii right now on business ... his hotel was evacuated and he was moved to another hotel ... he shared some pictures ... and a few handfuls of friends that said something about it ... but overall there has been a remarkable quietness ...

Maybe it's just too soon ... I noticed that Zynga is already fundraising for the Red Cross & Save the Children for earthquake

The People We Don't Choose ....

This really should be several different blogs ... one titled "Negativty" ... one titled "Clarification" ... and one titled "The People We Don't Choose" ... but really this all came about because of one big snowball that started from the last of those three ... and the three pieces of the puzzle fall together in a way that without all three pieces you can't see the whole picture ...

I talked recently about a bully I encountered online ... one that I considered a life long friend ... well as it turns out this led to another bully ... and in my mind someone that probably should be more capable of taking a higher road ... more capable of being mature and wise (as she is twenty or thirty years older than me) ... but that would be me judging her ... which I try very hard not to do ... people are as they are regardless of gender, age, race ... religion (in fact I would say that some of the harshest most judgmental people I have ever met or dealt with claim that they are extremely religious ... which given my vast knowledge of the Bible, Biblical history and the life and ways of Jesus is kind of ironic ... as their attitudes are far from the words that were given to us) ... but people are as they are ...

One of my biggest problems in life is that I believe in basic human kindness and goodness ... I am naive enough to believe that traits like kindness, empathy, compassion and honesty are traits that are innate in human beings ... and unfortunately, as I get older, more and more people prove me wrong ...

I guess there is no way to tell this story without just telling it ... and realizing it is entirely possible for either or both of these people to read my blog ... I must say that I am writing this for cathartic reasons, the way I do most of my blogs, and for the many other people that like to read the inner ramblings of my mind ... I am not writing this in the hopes that they read it, in fact, much of me would rather they didn't, because I don't really want to fuel the fire ... but this is my way of getting thoughts and feelings out of my head ... and getting the weight off my shoulders ... so here is the basic story ...

As I said in my previous post I had a "friend" on Facebook that several times had made negative comments on my posts ... if she had only said things when I was "bitching" or venting frustrations ... the explanation that I was to get indirectly later on might make sense ... but it wasn't, in fact, she would make these negative, mean, bullying and snide comments on either things that were completely innocent and stupid or times when I was celebrating the good things in my life ... times when I was happy ... she felt the need to bring me down ... for what reason I don't know ... and rarely did she have that

I Love Spring ...

I went outside today to go pick my kids up from school ... I had no idea how gorgeous it was outside .... you know being in a basement with an underground window and all ;)

It feels like spring ...

Being Colorado and all I'm sure that we're still in for some cold days ... and I don't mind that too much, but my favorite seasons here in Colorado are spring and fall ... I think a lot of people have a misguided idea about Colorado; thinking it's always cold here ... it's not ... it gets ridiculously hot in the summer and ridiculously cold in the winter ... but being a mountain girl I would have to say that I definitely prefer being cold to being hot ... you can always put on more clothes, and start fires, and turn up the heat (if that's an option) ... but being too hot ... well you can't go further than naked, you can get in the water (if there's water around), and there is air conditioning, but that is a huge energy consumption

Here we go again ...

So I haven't mentioned it much before, but my daughter has an eosinophilic disorder ... typically this is classified as an upper GI disorder called Eosinophilic Esophagitis or EE ... she has been lucky (at least so far) in that hers has been considered an EGID (Eosinophilic Gastrointestinal Disorder) affecting her large and small intestine but luckily not affecting her esophagus .... the reason the esophageal kind is worse is that the esophagus is actually much thinner and fragile than the lower GI ... the disorder can lead to lesions and even tears in the esophagus ... which leaves kids on feeding tubes in order to save the esophagus ....

Well, my daughter had a well-child visit yesterday and she has had some issues lately .... she complains of chest pain

A new leaf ... a new page ... a new well, everything ...

I had some much needed time with my man both with and without my kids not so long ago ... we got a lot done ... we didn't do quite as much just snuggling and relaxing and talking as I would have liked, but when we get so little time together and things need to be done, sometimes it just works out that way I guess ... but it gave me a lot of hope ....

We got a lot done to make my living situation a little better for myself and my kids ... and since then I have done a little more ... I've put up pictures on the concrete walls ... pictures of fun times and good friends ... to remind me that this is not a prison cell ... I am grateful for all he and I were able to do, and for the ability to do the things I have done since ....

I feel like I have actually walked away from some people that have been horribly mean, even though they preach about not being mean themselves, I find myself not caring .... there was a time I would have obsessed ... but I find myself thinking they're not worth it ... let them continue to make their digs on me, in a public fashion even, all they're doing is making themselves look like fools and probably looking at ruining other friendships in the process ... and I realize in that, that my obsession over their bad behavior ... just isn't worth it ... and I let the baggage go ...

There are still some toxic people that I must deal with, but I think I have a better handle on that now too ...

While my honey and I were spending some wonderful quality time together ... my mom was off on a vacation of her own ... and somehow from that experience we have bonded more ... I feel more like the mother and daughter we used to be ... we still will have "roommate" issues ... and we have the major issue to work through of her showing much more respect to my relationship ... and other issues about undermining parenting, etc., .... but overall our relationship feels more like it used to ... we talked and laughed and many other things ... even gossiped a little ... she, I know, feels very upset and betrayed by some things a "friend" said lately as well, and the way they have been acting ... so it was like these other people with their drama helped us overcome our own ... on top of that a break from each other, and the ability for my honey and I to spend time completely alone together I think was a stress reliever to some extent, although not when it came to all stress, but I think the

Bullies Can Be Any Age ....

You know since Columbine we have been a bully-centric society when it comes to schools ... every school my kids have ever attended has had major bully education and awareness programs ... the one time I had to deal with a bully issue with one of my kids it was handled very, very well ... we focus so much on bullies at that age ... but what about as we get older?

Bullying continues in multiple ways ... one of the main ways at this point is cyber-bullying ... with facebook, myspace, twitter, email ... they say people will say things they won't normally say ... I don't know if that is always true .. most of the "argumentative" stuff that I have written I would say ... a lot of it I wouldn't have had the chance to say all of, and doing it in writing allows me to be more articulate and do it without interruption, but really ... for me that's not true ... the keyboard bravery or whatever they call it ... maybe it is for others though ....

My friends can tell tale upon tale of workplace bullying, grocery store bullying, gaming bullying ... people who are arrogant and not empathetic and unable to apparently distinguish right from wrong ....

For the first time a few weeks ago I had to delete someone I considered an actual friend from my Facebook ... because she was being a bully, to the point that other friends were responding to her ... to the point that I received private messages from people that knew both of us and some that didn't saying how out of line she was ... I had to delete two other people before ... but one of them I met through a game and the other was a girlfriend of a friend and they broke up and she was nasty ... so up until then I had deleted two other people ... neither of which were big "losses" ...

But ... this one was different ... literally someone I had known my whole life, I had always been closer to her sister, but still ... known my whole life ... she played a role in my wedding ... but there she was being outright mean and bullying on my Facebook page ...

I wish I could have given her the benefit of the doubt of naivety, but I knew better, and later was proven right by someone that shared her reaction to my un-friending her ... her gratefulness that I had because she had "called me out" ... she didn't call me out ... she was just a bully ... basically I had said I was excited about having some time when I could have a real life ... it wasn't a depressing post ... in fact I think my original post just said "2 days and counting ... " someone asked

Sweet Charity ...

So a long time ago ... okay, okay like 4 years ago ... when you know I had money to give away ... I used to do just that ... Alyssa had a friend in Kindergarten that didn't have money for the Santa shop, I knew they were struggling, his dad worked road construction and it had been a particularly bad winter ... and they didn't get "business interruption" pay (which I got when I worked retail and the store would be closed for weather or something ... so if he didn't work, he didn't get paid ... I gave the teacher $25 to donate to him for the Santa shop ... and later that night while his mom worked at the local wal-mart I managed to sneak a $100 Visa gift card and $200 in King Soopers gift certificates (half of which were provided by my church) into her car window (which was permanently open because it was broken) ... that was probably my biggest singular act of charity, but I did things like that all the time ...

So, why is it that in the situation where I am now that when people give me charity I feel guilty? I need it ... the karma would say I deserve it ... right?

Back when my son was in the hospital a friend of mine that is more of an acquaintance, but we've actually grown closer since the world of Facebook land has kept us involved in each others lives, well, she surprised me by nominating me in a

Perfect Attendance ...

I hear the words "Perfect Attendance" and I cringe .... all I picture is little germ factories running around the school getting other kids sick ... and as a mother with two kids that get sick far more, and far worse than other kids it almost infuriates me ... now I guess let me say that my kids have, on occasion, gotten perfect attendance awards for quarters or semesters here and there ... I'm not saying "if your kid sneezes, keep them home" ... but seriously ... if your kid is sick ... for their sake and the sake of all the other kids keep them home ...

I understand some people are in the difficult position of having to stay home from work themselves to take care of a child that doesn't go to school; I understand there are challenges, but sick children should still stay home .... even the schools usually send home guidelines ... "please keep your child at home if ...." and then list off a bunch of symptoms, etc., when your child should stay at home ... as parents I think it's an obligation to follow that ...

I have two kids with decreased immune systems ... most kids might get one out of five "active, live"  viruses they're exposed to, two of my three get pretty much every virus they're exposed to and they get sick for usually twice as long as other kids as

My New Journey ...

So, from the very beginning of this little blog I've been writing I put "body image" in my description, although it's rarely to never something I've blogged about  ... yet anyway ... but it is something that I probably should.

I'm taking a new weight loss/get fit journey, and I've started a new blog to help me on that road, to give me some accountability ... something that I think I need ... if you're not interested in reading it, that's fine, if you are, then feel free to do that as well ...

What I will tell you all on this blog is that body image is something I struggle with; and the thing is it's not just where I am now, it's actually a fear of being skinnier, being hotter, being a lot of things ... my ex-husband used to fear that, fear me being "hot" and actually admitted to me that he would try to sabotage my diet, that he would get mad at me for being successful, I guess he felt if I wasn't the perfect package that other guys wouldn't be interested and that gave him some security. For me, I have some fears in losing weight; the thing is I've been on both sides of this ... I've been the "hot girl" ... I've been the girl that could just make eye contact with someone in a bar or club and get them to come dance with me or talk to me, the girl that worked at an amusement park and got hit on once an hour on a slow day, I've been the girl that knew she could steal her friends' boyfriends, although (except that once) never did .... and then I had kidney surgery ... and I got pregnant ... damn those maternity clothes ... my whole life I had been pretty much able to stabilize my weight with my clothes, when I felt like my clothes were getting tight, I would diet for a couple weeks and all would be well, but when I had kidney surgery, I couldn't wear anything with a tight waist band for a few months, plus I wasn't very active post-surgery, I gained weight, I managed to lose almost all of that, and then I had babies ... and those maternity clothes, well, they're killer ... anyway, I now am about 90 pounds heavier than I was when I conceived my first child, 110 pounds heavier than I was when I graduated from high school ... and I have dealt with the opposite end, I've dealt with the jokes, and the remarks, I've dealt with being at clubs and bars and hearing chubby chaser jokes and fat jokes ... so here is the thing ... now in some ways I'm afraid to go back ... because I'm afraid that I will be angry at the positive reaction ... I'm afraid that if guys start to notice me, I will just automatically think they're jerks, because they wouldn't have given me the time of day when I was fat ... I'm afraid of silly things like if my boyfriend touches me more, will I be pissed off at him and think he's being superficial ... but the thing is I'm not alone in those fears, many, many women have the same thoughts, the same ideas, the same fears ... because once you've been on this side of it ... and had all the positive attention pretty much go away ... to go back is to acknowledge a few things ... A) you had control of it, and chose not to use it ... B) the bulk of the world operates on a superficial level and it's just so wrong that you, as a person, can change nothing but your appearance and completely change the way the bulk of the world looks at you ... and C) you have to face your inner demons that is just like the rest of them, the part of you that is also superficial ... some of these fears have stopped me thus far from achieving my weight loss goals, along with other factors that I will dive into more in depth in my weight loss blog ... but regardless ... it is time for me to be healthy, to face those fears head on ... and honestly, to probably be a happier person on the other end ... if you want to join me in this journey you can follow my new blog here ... Killing My Inner Nutritional Overachiever & Dealing With Her Lazy Twin Sister Too ... the "plan" commences on February 1!!

Misguided ... Well ... Everything ...

So, after some though and some conversation and a few more tiffs with my mom, I have come to a few understandings ...

First and foremost is that I will never convince her that my priorities should be important to her, however, that doesn't mean that I need to make them unimportant to me ... that means that we need to come to some kind of understanding ... and I have no clue how to do that ...

Second is that she is not being honest with me, for whatever reason she isn't ... all along her main argument as to why my boyfriend can't stay here is that it is a matter of her privacy .... a matter of her not being used to have testosterone in the house, her  not being able to walk around in her nightgown, etc., ... these are her main reasons ... but, she's going away for a week in February, close to Valentine's Day, so I say to her, well since you won't be here, can he come stay, since your privacy won't be an issue ... she tells me that she still has a problem with it ... so what exactly is her problem? If this was standard behavior of parents with grown children in the home, I may understand, if she was holding a moral high ground, I may understand, but it's not and she's not. The standard among my friends who have had to move back in with parents due to this lovely economy we live in (the number of friends that are doing that seems to be growing exponentially by the way), is that they are basically just living there like they would live anywhere else; friends, lovers, etc., all visit like normal, and they continue to maintain their lives. But, regardless, she is not being honest with me ... she is having issues with something else, whether it is me not being single and miserable (sidebar - I did at one point ask her if she was jealous and her reaction with her no, and the expression on her face, was downright insulting, then I clarified that I didn't mean about him in particular, but that I wasn't alone, that I had somebody to call mine, someone to hold, someone to talk to, and then she shut down), whether her issue is just him period, as mentioned before I kind of get put in the middle of really both of them not having any respect for the other, and really not being able to push it aside for the purpose of my sanity ... but she is not being honest with me ... and honesty is big with me ... I have walked away from more people over dishonesty and hypocrisy than I have anything else ...

Third is that I think that she may be misguided in her thought process as to why exactly I moved in with her to begin with. This speaks to her undermining my parenting, the other day my middle child was upset, we had been talking in the car for a good 45 minutes before we got home and we got home, my mom said something to her, she said something under

Guess What?

I found a little hidden button to restore my blog ... it's back ... and it's working =p

Very, very happy about that :)

Another Black Sheep Day ...

It was my daughter's 8th birthday party on Sunday ... we had a party, that was mostly for the kids ... my ex and I worked together to throw the party ... at first my daughter said the only adults she wanted there were myself, her dad and our significant others (sidebar ... I was impressed that my mom was gracious enough to allow me the gas to drive and pick up my boyfriend to go to my daughter's party, that she absolutely insisted he needed to be at) ... but my mother was an addition, followed by my father and my stepmother ... I think that my daughter (well, that daughter) ... doesn't like the stress that certain people add to our lives either ...

Anyway, we got to the pizza place and I had forgotten my camera, so my boyfriend and I ran back to the house to get it, when we left, my ex and my mom were the only adults there ... when I came back my father and my stepmother were there ... now I wrapped myself up in the kids and doing all the normal party stuff I've done at my kids' parties for the last 10 years ... keeping the kids in line ... making sure everyone was okay ... but with the adults ... I felt like a black sheep ... as my mom, my stepmom, my dad and my ex all sat at one end of the table whispering and conversating and basically ignoring the rest of the party ... my boyfriend and I kept the kids entertained and kept things going ... and they sat down there all bonding together ... I must be an awful person ... I must have done something truly awful in my life, in a former life, in whatever life you all

Mixed Bag ...

Unfortunately (or fortunately) this isn't an uncommon scenario around here, but on Friday my ex husband asked me if I would be willing to take the kids back 7 hours early this weekend ... because he had some place to be Sunday night and wanted to beat the snow ...

I'm usually agreeable to these schedule changes, because I figure some day I may need a favor and if I'm not agreeable or somehow bitchy about it then he may not be very willing to help me out when I need help ...

However, when I had full custody and he only had them every other weekend he would do things like this as well .. now that we have straight 50/50 custody he still does and, according to my children, leaves them with their grandmother quite a bit when he does have them ...

I am all for parents having a life of their own ... I have seen what it does to parents who completely revolve their lives around their children ... I think date nights and girls nights and boys nights and all these things are important to the psychological and mental health of entire families, not just the people participating ... it isn't a good lesson to teach our children that they

My Love/Hate Relationship with Zynga ...

So as a gamer that has gotten into everything from Tetris to Halo, Bejeweled to World of Warcraft ... and been known to play for hours on end ... I love the Zynga games ... it gives me something to do as the unemployed boredom sets in ... and you can play them all on different levels ... you can set it up so you have to be there checking on it every 20 minutes to half an hour or you can let it go for two or three days at a time ... or walk away completely for however long and come back and pick up where you left off .. mostly ...

Their games are simple, yet well thought out ... designed to be something you can just do for the hell of it, or be competitive about ... they give you a sense of accomplishment through ribbons, medals and prizes ... for the most part I do like these games ...

I hate that they make you spam your friends in order to accomplish almost anything ... I love that Facebook made it so the friends that really don't care at all can block the applications altogether ... I hate that in pretty much every Zynga application except Farmville the missions, medals, achievements, accomplishments, etc almost require you

Clingy ... Like Static ....

Okay, so I'm going to take a break from venting about my personal life to dive into the World of Warcraft (shocking I know) ... and some of the issues that have come up there over the last few years ... I urge those of you that don't play the silly little game to read this anyway ... because honestly, it applies to people in many areas of life, from work to school, to that one annoying neighbor ...


When Cataclysm was released on December 7 ... I dove right in ... tied for the first 85 in our guild (will explain guilds in a second as it is relevant) ... was having fun with new leveling areas, new races (they released a werewolf race with the Cataclysm expansion ... very exciting) ... and new end-game content .... but then .... like a cheese grater in my social heaven .... came the "annoying ones" ... I know I sound like a bitch ... and sorry for that ... I'm really not ... but when you use a game as an escape from reality ... that's exactly what you want it to be ...

So, I am part of a guild with over 300 characters ... among 100+ real life people ... so over one hundred living, breathing people are sitting behind their keyboards and play in this same guild/group as I do .... basically 10-15 million people are active World of Warcraft players around the world at any given time, they are then broken down into about three hundred "realms" or servers .... so on a server there are still tens if not hundreds of thousands of people ... guilds give you an

Supervision ... or lack there of ...

Okay, so this is something that is kind of hard to blog about for me ... because it feels more personal than the feelings I put out there all the time ... I guess I'm worried about judgment ... and actually that leads me to another post that I will write in the near future ... but ... here goes ...

... so yesterday my stuff finally went through for food stamps ... so I'm officially on food stamps and in 45 days or less, once I meet a few requirements and they get done processing my information ... I will be on maximum TANF for a family of 4 ... TANF my friends, is welfare ... straight out cash benefits ... welfare ...

Last night, for the first time in 5 months I went to the grocery store by myself .... no supervision ... nobody telling me that this brand is better than that brand ... nobody telling me anything ....

I could taste the freedom ... I don't even think I bought anything I was told I couldn't in the past ... although today I completely plan on buying bottled water ... which my mom refuses to buy ... and I know my green side sounds unheard from right now ... but it is something that I've learned about myself ... I drink more water if it's readily available and refridgerator cold ... I refill the bottles with my Brita filter thingy .... so a case of water lasts me months .... but to not be able to have it at all has been frustrating ... and I have noticed I'm dehydrated .... you can pass that off as me being lazy ... but to be honest ... in this little basement I'm in I have four cats ... and anyone that knows anything about cats ... knows ... that if I have a glass of water sitting around .... one of two things will happen ... it will either get knocked over or filled with cat hair and for me at least seem undrinkable ... so yes, I will be buying bottled water with my food stamps as my one thing that has been always denied to me ... other things have been negotiated ... brands, substitutions, etc., .... plus as much as I hate Wal-Mart for their practices, I walk into other grocery stores (including Target) and see things for double the price and it makes me cringe .... my money will go further shopping in places that I know have good prices ... but anyway ... last night I didn't buy anything that she ever would have denied me or my children, really, I mean I bought my kind of bread ... and bought each of the kids a treat, one wanted oreos, one wanted rocky road ice cream, and one wanted Coke (I bought the mini-cans) ... I told them this won't be

I honestly don't know where to start ... the last two weeks have been a rollercoaster ride ... with a plummet this morning ... but I don't think I'm done, or anywhere near the bottom yet ...

... so I left off with the Santa thing ... anyone who doesn't understand why that would upset me has their head squarely up their behind ... I mean really ... that's a parent's privilege and right ... and I only get to do it every other year ... had I asked for her help or gone up and we'd done it together .... well that would be different, but that she took it upon herself to do it, with no consideration that I would want to is complete and total bullshit ... and then she said "I left (such and such) for you to do, because I figure you get to do something" ... wait ... GET ... get ... okay ... that's great ... lovely ... MY parenting privileges, something that as parents we actually look forward to ... and she's going to basically say she'll "allow" me to do part of it ... so yeah, who is the mother and who is the grandmother ...

Christmas was okay, my dad didn't get me anything or do anything, which is what I requested of him ... "please take any money you would have spent on me for Christmas and use it to pay off the debt you feel I owe you" ... that was my Christmas wish to him ... and my mom ... my mom still did some stuff for me, although it's all tainted by the fact that I asked A) for nothing and then B) for something non-monetary that she refused to give me ...  I don't do "consolation" prize very well ... just like I don't do getting buttered up for bad news very well ...

The kids and I went to my boyfriend's grandparents' house on Christmas Eve for a while ... they got to see their puppy which they really appreciated ... and spend some quality time with the man they call their stepfather and his family ... which despite their own set of dysfunctions (and I would say that in many ways they are more dysfunctional than mine) .... feels more like a family to me than anything I've felt in years ... we were welcomed with open arms and hugs .... and just an amazing sense of welcome .... and maybe the thing about his family is they embrace and accept the dysfunction ... they don't judge ... they don't see things eye to eye ... and sure they have their gossip ... they hold their grudges ... but they stick together ... they call themselves a "clan" ... and rightfully so ... if you do wrong to one, you do wrong to all ... and their major issue of the moment is a member of the clan in their minds "abandoned" her children ... and they still accepted her ... being a surrogate member of this clan ... I will tell you that this family, this amazing, loving family, has very strong feelings about my father and what he did ... they threatened to go march on the lawn of his workplace with picket signs saying "if he doesn't care about his own family, what makes you think he would care about yours" ... technically speaking he holds a public position and the voters have a say in whether or not he stays there ... this family that has taken me in ... has vowed to do everything in their power to make sure he loses his job ... which I have mixed feelings about ... but when my own family doesn't even want to know my side of the story ... well ... I wonder which ones I feel closer to ... anyway ... Christmas Eve with them was pleasant ... we headed out, I wanted to go to church, but three overtired kids with only me to control them ... well, we skipped it ... we went and saw the Denver City & County building all lit up ... and then drove by some more Christmas lights and then we headed home .... and then that's when the Santa thing happened ...

Christmas afternoon the kids went off with their dad ... I spent some time getting some stuff together and headed back to my boyfriends' grandparents' house ... where again I was more than welcomed .... they made sure I knew where to find food, drink ... even a toothbrush ... they told me they missed having me around ... the couple few of them that were on Facebook expressed empathy and concern based on some of my posts about the BS around here ... the day after Christmas, Sunday, brought a wonderful surprise .... a good friend of my boyfriends who has now become a good friend of mine gave us Broncos tickets ... and for an amazing game ... was probably one of the best home games of the year ... so that was good for both of us ... it was fun ... and something neither of us gets to do often or ever ... that was followed by