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Friday, September 3, 2010

Unconditional ....

A friend recently wrote a blog that got me thinking a little bit ... she talked about how "you have to give love to receive it" is easier said than done ... when you're actually in a difficult situation ... I agree completely ...

I have always been of the belief that you can kill them with kindness, that if you show someone enough love, especially unconditional love, they will realize how amazing love is ... they will want it ... and in turn they will give it ...

Unfortunately ... not all people react that way ....

Unfortunately ... what happens then ... as they take us for granted ... as we show them love ... they ignore it .... when we reach out ... they pull away ... this ... builds resentment ...

Maybe it's wrong, maybe resentment shouldn't be built, maybe the answer is to walk away from someone that takes away from the naturally loving people we are ... maybe someone that makes us want to reverse the golden rule, by treating them how they treat us instead of how we want to be treated ... maybe somebody that inspires that negativity in us ... maybe they are toxic to us ... maybe they shouldn't exist in our lives ...

Easy to say from the outside looking in ... I don't know many that would stay in a relationship if it was like that from the get go ... but years of dating or even marriage in ... and children ...  it's hard to walk away ... you remember the times when they did love you back ...

You remember when they wanted to touch you ... couldn't keep their hands off of you ... when you could talk on the phone for hours and hours into the night about ... absolutely nothing ... when you could sit in a restaurant and talk until they kicked you out ... and now you stare at each other over the dinner table and have absolutely nothing to say ... you remember passion ... you remember love ...

Is this what they mean in marriage vows when they say "for better or worse" ... that there are times when the love isn't there .. but you stay anyway ... or is the pain too great ..

Did this happen because their love for us changed from unconditional to conditional ... or is their behavior not a reflection of their feelings ... but their behavior has now changed our love ... it is no longer unconditional ... we need things ... as minor as they seem ... we let ourselves be torn apart by the sheer lack of reciprocity ...but in order for there to be reciprocity, the action has to be done in the first place ... so which came first the chicken or the egg? ...

I think for many ... we try and try and try and try ... we finally do give up ... we have no reason to voice our needs or show how it is we want to be treated ... because there is no point ... because what's more heartbreaking than not getting the attention we need in the first place ... is practically begging for it, making ourselves vulnerable, asking for it ... and being rejected ... it hurts too much ... so why ask ... why tell them how we feel ... is there a point .... why try .... when we know it will lead to more of our pain ... while those around us are either too ignorant to understand or just plain don't care about the pain that we are in ...

Part of the reason this hurts so much when it happens is that we are capable of love ... unconditional love ... we are capable of seeing past the faults ... of moving on ... we don't understand how someone else could not be ... we treat people how we want to be treated ... and moreso ... we treat them how we know they want to be treated ... they like their back rubbed .. we rub their back ... they like their hair played with ... we play with their hair ... their favorite dessert is brownies ... we make brownies ... we think of this as natural behavior ... a natural way of being as a human being ... as a person capable of love ... but then we tell them ... we like our hair played with ... we like to be hugged ... we want to hold their hand ... we tell them these things ... and it means nothing to them ... it is not their natural state of being ... is that a lack of love ... does that lack of reciprocity mean that their feelings for us are not as strong as our feelings for them ... or ... do they just operate completely differently ....

And in either case ... does the relationship really stand a chance in the long term ... or is it set up for failure ... a love that's unconditional would imply that none of that really matters ... but I think with unconditional love there is a matter of redemption ... it can't all be bad ... we can't feel unloved and like crap all the time ... there has to be times when things are good, when love is felt ... when love is known ... otherwise even unconditional love can fail ... rejection can destroy it ...

You have to give love to get it  ....

Again, easier to say from the outside looking in ...if we're giving all we have and getting nothing in return ... then technically those we are giving it to are getting love without giving it ... so the saying, the advice is already flawed ... and in a vicious circle theory ...so we stop giving because they're not giving .. and now nobody is giving ... our relationships in those circumstances go to hell ....

I think that much is taken for granted in relationships ... the passion .. the unending conversations .. the desire ... the feeling that all you want to do is talk to and be with and touch this person .. it's all taken for granted ... and when it's gone ... you have to look at what you're left with ... and decide if picking up all the pieces off the floor ... if trying to put this puzzle back together is worth it ... or if there are too many pieces missing ... too many holes in the puzzle ... and it's just time to walk away ...

... but most of us will stay ... through the rejection ... through the pain ... we will continue to give the best of ourselves, regardless of what we get in return ... because the love that we feel ... the love that we show ... even when it's truly flawed (which it often is) ... is totally and completely ...

...unconditional ....









3 comments:

Miss Ash said...

You can't change anyone else. You can only work on yourself. And if you can become your very best, that person you love either grows with you or falls away.

Unconditional versus conditional... I don't think it matters which one you love with. Love really isn't enough. Growth, communication, and some more growth, well, that's what makes a relationship last. Because people change. But you can't make anyone besides yourself change.

Erica said...

Couldn't agree more Ash ... a very good addition :) ... that's why at some point we have to give up and walk away when a lack of reciprocity turns into resentment ... because love is unfortunately not always enough ...

mon said...

you and i are on the same page in sooo many ways. i read this earlier this morning, set it in the back of my mind, wrote my own blog about my recent feelings, and then came back to yours. and its just so crazy how alike we are in our thinking! i guess that's what makes us such great friends, and makes it so easy to support each other. thanks for letting my views inspire you to express yourself. you have inspired me as well, and i think we'll have several more similar blogs in the future! heart U!

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