Black Sheep ...

I went to a family function today ... something I generally dread ... I practically pray that one of my kids will get sick, that I will have some excuse to not go ...

It's hard to explain to any outsider the feelings that I have ... over the years there have been so many sarcastic, backhanded compliments, so much favoritism among the grandchildren, so much judgment and disapproval ...

Today I basically was sat at the kiddie table (place card and all) ... now mind you I was one of two adults at what was more the kid "end of the table" ... a table that was set up at the end of the actual dining room table and three of the five children sitting there were mine ... so I'm probably being hypersensitive ... and if it wasn't for the history it may not mean anything to me ... but there is that ... there's history ...

There's a lot of history ... there's periods of time where I didn't speak to various members of my family and vice versa ... always on the outside looking in ... never good enough ... never met with a sense of approval ... they could always find the one negative in anything ... 

Just several weeks ago there was another family event, and all my stepbrothers and stepsisters were there (well, maybe not all, I wouldn't know) ... my father who married my stepmother just over a year ago, nor anyone else introduced me to anyone ... there were people there that are supposed to be part of my "new" family and nobody bothered to even make an introduction ... there have been a lot of times I have felt like an outcast in my father's family, but that one probably was close to the top of the list, if not actually at it ... maybe that was my fault, maybe I should have introduced myself ... maybe I should have said something like, "are you going to do introductions" ... but I didn't ... then again ... neither did any of them ...

It might have something to do with the fact that my stepmother doesn't even speak to me anymore ... the whole thing is so weird to me ... I liked her, a lot, when my dad told me he was getting married I was genuinely happy and excited for him ... they were very lovey dovey, I had never seen him behave that way with any woman ever, not my mom, not the two multiple year relationships that he had after her ... not even the short ones in between ... they both seemed to genuinely love and care for each other. Oddly enough right after they were officially married, she seemed to change, and it wasn't just me that saw it, there were others as well ... she became much more naggy, and she seemed to want me as far from his life as possible. Then there was the whole house fiasco which you can read about in previous blogs, that pretty much everyone I know that knows my father as well, thinks she had much more of a hand in than he did. The couple I saw that I was happy for and the one that exists now are very different ... when my father came down on me for some things during the house issue I did say some negative things about her, in truth I think she is using him ... pointing that out to him was not taken well, needless to say ...

Anyway, back to today ... it wasn't that bad ... but still I am not in the "in crowd" ... not part of the inner circle ... a lesser person by whatever definition they use ... I'll just use the words black sheep ...