So, I'm stealing the words of a friend and I know she won't mind ;) I read this blog weeks ago and it has stuck with me to the point that I wish to share . . . . you can find her entire blog at http://www.perilouslyprecocious.com . . . this particular blog describes very, very closely how I've felt lately - I don't know that I could say it any better myself . . .
"I want to feel ecstatically happy every day. I know this is possible, because I’ve done it.
I want everything to be magical; filled with unicorns, butterflies, and day dreams…
I want to be excited and find awe in my surroundings, instead of feeling numb and tired.
I know most of this is of my own doing, but I feel like I need to
have more social time… to be surrounded with people who experience this
in their every moment. Calling all you angels…
I feel depressed, honestly. Blue. Sad. I have lost connection with my inner magic.
Checking the calendar, I can see I’m in the middle of my semester.
It’s not unusual for me to be exhausted by the middle of the semester…
but this semester is easy. I’m not stressed out over school. I’m half
way through my second to the last semester before I earn my degree. I
am motivated in the school department.
It’s also the end of winter… winter has always been a harder time
for me. I need to be active, out playing in the sunshine, dawdling
amongst my growing things. I need to be getting dirty, playing sports
and running around. I need
to be out sleeping under the stars, dancing around a campfire, looking
at things through my binoculars. I need to be more aware of the cycle
of the moon, and how that affects my own physical makeup…
I need to be taking candle-lit bubble baths.
Maybe it’s all this responsibility: work, school, parenting…
Maybe it’s the mundane… I don’t see time for socializing in my
future. Hell, I don’t see many people that I can surround myself with
that will embrace JOY with me. I need this. I need closeness with
friends. I need silly text messages that make me laugh at
inappropriate times. I need adventure and laughing out loud, every
day. I need to feel confident and beautiful and amazing.
All of those feelings, they have so often been associated with how I
feel when I’m around my friends. Honestly, I haven’t had time to be a
friend… It’s of my own doing, and I see this, but still, I’m not sure
how to fix it.
I need to see the beauty in sunsets again.
To be hugged more. To affirm good things for myself more. To feel unstoppable again.
I want to be catapulted across the universe like a great big ball of fire, blazing like a beacon for everyone to see.
I have grown in so many ways over the last several years. I’ve
grown up, into a parent, into someone who can be a good example. Into
someone who is comfortable being herself. I want to share this. I
want to shout out to the world, “SEE! You CAN feel amazing like me.”
I’ve been making mistakes at work lately. I am human, I realize
that. But I think I’m a little burned out with work. I’m not excited
to spend more than two hours every day commuting to a job where I sit
in a cubicle all day long, where the only human contact I get is with a
telephone. I know I’m in the right place, I just…
Honestly, I haven’t even been taking much joy in writing, lately.
Butterflies, unicorns and magic.
Butterflies, unicorns and magic.
Butterflies, unicorns and magic."
In addition to her words . . . I need the feeling of a loving touch, the feeling of being wanted . . . I need fingers in my hair, my hand to be held . . . I need to know that no matter how I look on any given day, someone always thinks I'm pretty . . . I need stability and security . . . to know that there is excitement to see me, happiness to hear from me . . . that I'm missed and appreciated . . . I think these are all things I take for granted when I have them, but when they're gone are missed so much . . . these are things I must come to terms with . . . or somehow find on my own . . . I need magic . . .
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
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