Unfounded Resentment ...

So, I have had an issue for a while now with my mom ... I live with her ... long story if you haven't been following ... and just today my boyfriend had a similar issue with another relative ...

People around us have started building resentments for things that they take on themselves ... in my case ... one example is how my mom always cooks breakfast every morning ... nobody ever asked her to do it ... in fact when I first moved in many times I was on my way to do it and she already was ... then one of two things happens every now and then ... the first is that out of nowhere she blows up at me about how I "never" do breakfast and how I am not pulling my weight ... the second is that one morning she just doesn't do it, but doesn't tell me she isn't going to and then it causes issues ...

In my case, what needs to be understood is that I have been living without a parent for eleven years ... and a mom for almost as long ... I know how to do things like make breakfast ... but
I'm not going to concern myself with it when 90% of the time that I try to do something about it she has crossed that boundary ... I know she is trying to be helpful ... and I know that this sounds like a simple communication/boundary issue that should be talked out ... the problem is that when I talk to her about it I am assured it is no big deal ... that everything is fine, etc., ... that she enjoys getting breakfast together every morning ... however ... when she is angry ... all of the sudden there is resentment ... and breakfast is just one of the "subjects" that we have this same issue with ...
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Similarly ... my boyfriend is in a situation where for almost a year he was the primary caregiver for two ailing grandparents ... he is available 90% of his life ... and the other 10% is usually when I take him away for something outside the house ... which is much less often than I or my kids would like ... if it wasn't for that he would be available to them close to 99% of his life ...

Sidebar ... I have my own issues with resentment here ... although I knew what I was getting into when this relationship started ... he made a commitment to them to be there as his grandfather continued to become more and more ill ... and most of the time I admire him for that commitment ... however ... there is the part where our relationship is on hold ... part of my life is on hold ... until that commitment is fulfilled ... if he could have a "normal" job outside of his grandparents' house then the two of us together would have enough income to have a place of our own ... I would be able to move out of my mom's ... he would be able to not live with family ... I want to marry him ... I want to have another child with him ... but I feel my biological clock ticking every day ... my children getting older every day ... and to me there is a matter of pressure ... of time ... that we are losing because he is here ... those are my sacrifices for the situation ... on top of him missing things like softball games, choir concerts and kindergarten graduations for kids that already see him as a stepdad ... and he sees them as stepchildren ... his sacrifices are large too ... he put off his education ... his career goals ... not to mention a "normal" life with me ... those of you who follow my blog regularly know that we lived together for a while ... and then he had to take care of his grandparents ... while his aunt was around to take care of his grandparents ... he left for a while to take care of his father while he recovered from surgery ... and then his aunt left again and he moved back to be there for his grandparents ... so his life has been devoted to sacrificing for other people for at least the last three years ...

A few months ago his aunt came back to help ... and she has been amazing help ... we've been able to go out more ... he has had more free time ... but much like my mom she takes on things nobody asks her to do ... and then becomes resentful ... she feeds the dogs and gives her their medicine ... she took that on herself ... I'm not sure if she just didn't think it was happening or exactly why that happened ... but the dogs were fed and medicated before she came back ... she also takes on much more of the "grandparent duty" than anyone expected her to ... my boyfriend was doing it pretty much all by himself for a very long time ... and everything was fine ... there are always issues to work out ... communication that needs to be had ... but everything was fine ... when she came back she took on way more hours for a "shift" than anyone needed or expected ... and as long as my boyfriend is in the house (again 90% of the time) ... he expects they will call him if he is needed ... both he and I have checked with her several times ... trying to make sure everything is fine ... and she assured us it was ... she wasn't resentful ... when asked about doing stuff for them during the night which is supposed to be his "shift" she said she is awake anyway so she does it ... I have been astounded at the change from before she was here until now as to how little they ask of him ... his bell used to ring at least twice a night .... sometimes six or seven times ... now it might ring once ... and she says she is awake anyway so there's no problem ... but it's why he lives here ... is so they can use him ... call him ... he's here because they needed him ...

Tonight however ... much like what happens with my mom ... all of the sudden he "does nothing" ... he's not available, he never helps ... etc., etc., .... this is something I don't understand ... whenever he is here he is available .... he keeps late hours because when he was first here, and after his aunt came it has always been more his job to be available at night when nurses, CNAs, etc., weren't here ... so he sleeps a lot during the day ... and stays up at night in order to be available ... it works well with my schedule too because I work nights and sleep all day ... but somehow this has all been twisted into him being lazy ... and not doing anything ... I have never seen him not respond to a bell or a phone call from his grandparents ... in the last year ... not once ... and I spend a lot of time there ...

Now I'm "being a girl" and all concerned that this resentment that has blown up and come out of the woodwork will lead to others ... like feeding the dogs ... and that it's all going to turn into something worse ... I had my own words with her ... in defense of him ... and maybe I shouldn't ... but she came into his room and yelled at/attacked both of us for something that wasn't anybody's doing ...
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I guess what this all comes down to is unfounded resentment ...  if you take something on whether it's breakfast or feeding dogs or even taking care of people ... you can't then be mad at somebody who has been telling you that you don't need to do it or asking if you're sure you're okay with it the entire time ... because you took the job on yourself ....



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In closing I have to add ... that the entire eleven years of my adult life I lived without a parent ... including the year I lived with my boyfriend ... everybody ate ... including the dogs and cats ... yards were cleaned, dishes were done, litter boxes were cleaned .... everyone was bathed .... everyone had clean clothes to wear ... we are both completely self sufficient when allowed to be ... so there is no reason ... for anyone in our lives to do anything for us ... if they choose to do it ... we almost always ask if they're sure ... but if they choose to do it ... that is their choice ... it has nothing to do with our competence levels ... or our requests ... and I will never understand resentment that builds from that ...