Control ...

Control of my own life is something that I have struggled with for a very long time ... and the balance between being a "nice person" and being a "doormat" ... I think I more often fall into the doormat category than I would like to admit ...

Some of the problems in my marriage stemmed from control issues, disagreements and flat out fights about things that really just came down to control ... and things I wanted done, or he wanted done, that just didn't happen ... a feeling from both sides maybe, but from mine for sure, of things not being give and take so much as give and give ... and give ...

I won't pretend that my current relationship doesn't have some of those problems as well, that doormat thing comes with being a perpetual people pleaser ... in essence I don't stand up for myself ... but then in true feminine form I hold resentment, because you know men are supposed to read our minds, and know that we
really, really want to watch that chick flick movie, but we're feeling agreeable and so we'll watch the action flick instead and then secretly hold it against you that we made that decision because in our minds we didn't make it ... you did  ... yes, women are complicated ...

Anywho ... I'm getting off track ... back to "I want you to want to do the dishes" .... so despite control issues ... doormat issues in previous and current relationships ... for the most part I was in control of my own life ... of when I got up, went to bed, what I watched on TV or did on the computer (even if that meant I did it alone) ... of what I ate, when I ate, when I did my laundry, when I did well everything ... I am a mother of three children ... I had control over them ....

It seems now I feel I have lost part of my identity ... moving in with your parents (especially with children) as an adult is a very, very hard thing ... and my mother has been very sympathetic to the whole thing ... but, even though I didn't live under her roof for almost twelve years, she is used to being the parent ... I am used to being the parent ... I have three sick kids right now and I'm sick myself ... and any single parent, or even stay at home mom, knows that there is no break for mom when everyone in the house is sick ... and that doesn't really change, even though I'm living with mine ... I had to make a pot roast this morning ... feeling like crap, etc., ... because that's what was the expectation for what we as a household were having for dinner ... and it wasn't awful ... but if I had control over my own life ... with three sick kids, and being sick myself ... the last thing I would make is pot roast ... it would have been a soup night ... maybe a pbj night ... but it's one of the areas where I have lost some of my own control ... and if I hadn't done it, it's not like I would have faced hell or anything, but somebody else has expectations of me now ... parental expectations at that ... and that changes my identity ... my level of control .. and that is something I need to work on ...