The Thing About Being Single ... Archived from 01/17/2009

Here's the thing about being single . . . in a lot of ways it's fine . . . beyond survivable.  I think I've realized there were things I took for granted in past relationships (although I wouldn't go back into them) . . . but I definitely took for granted both being told and shown that I'm beautiful and desirable on a near constant basis . . . and although a lot of self image comes from within, and although I'm not comfortable with where my body is at this point, I am comfortable in my own skin, there is something very reassuring about knowing that someone else thinks you're attractive . . . something very reassuring about being wanted & desired . . . about having someone around that can't keep they're hands off of you . . . in public, in private, etc., . . . so that's really what I took for granted . . . and mostly because for the past 17 or so years I've had that in my life on a near constant basis . . . but really when it comes down to it that's not the thing that really sucks about being single. It's not the lonliness, I'm an only child, I LOVE my alone time, I thrive on solitude, it's when I'm the most productive, the most mentally healthy, the most happy really, when I have the solitude to do my projects the way I want to do them, to be alone with my thoughts, plus I never have to be alone . . .  I have friends, a lot of friends, I could spend my time with someone else either in person, or on the phone, or the computer . . . the loneliness doesn't bug me . . . although I hate the feeling of being alone even surrounded by people because nobody seems to empathize with where you are . . .  but what I really have a hard time with about being single is completely unmaterial and intangible . . . it's the safety and security of knowing that when I come home from work or wherever, or even if I never left home, knowing that someone will be there to give me a hug when I need it, to hold me when I'm sad, it's having someone to kiss goodnight, good morning and goodbye . . .the things that come naturally in relationships, the things when you're in them you never think about, because it's just part of being in a relationship . . . it's being able to say "I need a hug" and knowing that someone will be there to do it . . . .it's the security of knowing that someone is there . . . someone who puts you at the high end of their priority list if not the highest point on it . . . it really comes down to security, the feeling of home, the feeling that you're safe, that nothing can take it away . . . maybe it will take me a long time to feel that way again because I know that no matter what something can always take it away, but I think if the person came along that wanted me to feel that way, I would . . . so that's my thinking outloud for the day . . . thanks for listening :)