My New Journey ...

So, from the very beginning of this little blog I've been writing I put "body image" in my description, although it's rarely to never something I've blogged about  ... yet anyway ... but it is something that I probably should.

I'm taking a new weight loss/get fit journey, and I've started a new blog to help me on that road, to give me some accountability ... something that I think I need ... if you're not interested in reading it, that's fine, if you are, then feel free to do that as well ...

What I will tell you all on this blog is that body image is something I struggle with; and the thing is it's not just where I am now, it's actually a fear of being skinnier, being hotter, being a lot of things ... my ex-husband used to fear that, fear me being "hot" and actually admitted to me that he would try to sabotage my diet, that he would get mad at me for being successful, I guess he felt if I wasn't the perfect package that other guys wouldn't be interested and that gave him some security. For me, I have some fears in losing weight; the thing is I've been on both sides of this ... I've been the "hot girl" ... I've been the girl that could just make eye contact with someone in a bar or club and get them to come dance with me or talk to me, the girl that worked at an amusement park and got hit on once an hour on a slow day, I've been the girl that knew she could steal her friends' boyfriends, although (except that once) never did .... and then I had kidney surgery ... and I got pregnant ... damn those maternity clothes ... my whole life I had been pretty much able to stabilize my weight with my clothes, when I felt like my clothes were getting tight, I would diet for a couple weeks and all would be well, but when I had kidney surgery, I couldn't wear anything with a tight waist band for a few months, plus I wasn't very active post-surgery, I gained weight, I managed to lose almost all of that, and then I had babies ... and those maternity clothes, well, they're killer ... anyway, I now am about 90 pounds heavier than I was when I conceived my first child, 110 pounds heavier than I was when I graduated from high school ... and I have dealt with the opposite end, I've dealt with the jokes, and the remarks, I've dealt with being at clubs and bars and hearing chubby chaser jokes and fat jokes ... so here is the thing ... now in some ways I'm afraid to go back ... because I'm afraid that I will be angry at the positive reaction ... I'm afraid that if guys start to notice me, I will just automatically think they're jerks, because they wouldn't have given me the time of day when I was fat ... I'm afraid of silly things like if my boyfriend touches me more, will I be pissed off at him and think he's being superficial ... but the thing is I'm not alone in those fears, many, many women have the same thoughts, the same ideas, the same fears ... because once you've been on this side of it ... and had all the positive attention pretty much go away ... to go back is to acknowledge a few things ... A) you had control of it, and chose not to use it ... B) the bulk of the world operates on a superficial level and it's just so wrong that you, as a person, can change nothing but your appearance and completely change the way the bulk of the world looks at you ... and C) you have to face your inner demons that is just like the rest of them, the part of you that is also superficial ... some of these fears have stopped me thus far from achieving my weight loss goals, along with other factors that I will dive into more in depth in my weight loss blog ... but regardless ... it is time for me to be healthy, to face those fears head on ... and honestly, to probably be a happier person on the other end ... if you want to join me in this journey you can follow my new blog here ... Killing My Inner Nutritional Overachiever & Dealing With Her Lazy Twin Sister Too ... the "plan" commences on February 1!!