Sweet Charity ...

So a long time ago ... okay, okay like 4 years ago ... when you know I had money to give away ... I used to do just that ... Alyssa had a friend in Kindergarten that didn't have money for the Santa shop, I knew they were struggling, his dad worked road construction and it had been a particularly bad winter ... and they didn't get "business interruption" pay (which I got when I worked retail and the store would be closed for weather or something ... so if he didn't work, he didn't get paid ... I gave the teacher $25 to donate to him for the Santa shop ... and later that night while his mom worked at the local wal-mart I managed to sneak a $100 Visa gift card and $200 in King Soopers gift certificates (half of which were provided by my church) into her car window (which was permanently open because it was broken) ... that was probably my biggest singular act of charity, but I did things like that all the time ...

So, why is it that in the situation where I am now that when people give me charity I feel guilty? I need it ... the karma would say I deserve it ... right?

Back when my son was in the hospital a friend of mine that is more of an acquaintance, but we've actually grown closer since the world of Facebook land has kept us involved in each others lives, well, she surprised me by nominating me in a
charity group she was in to receive their monthly donation ... to me it was an obscene amount of money (it really wasn't that much ... still 3 digits ... but to me it was more money than I had held in my hand in months) ... when I opened the envelope I cried ...  it made his hospital stay easier, it made the things I had to go through that month easier ... but I felt guilty, like I was taking the money out of some other deserving person's hands ... now ... I haven't been able to be on World of Warcraft in weeks because honestly I couldn't afford the game time ... well people I play with got together and paid for 3 months of game time for me ... again I feel guilty ... I feel like I shouldn't be taking their money away from them just so I can play a game ...

So, I've been trying to look at it from the other side ... going back to that night sneaking the gift certificates in the car window ... the last thing I wanted was for that little family to feel guilty ... so now I just need to figure out how to get over it ...