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Sunday, August 29, 2010


This should probably really be called "intimacy vs sex" but meh ... this was kind of inspired by my earlier blog; Contact and the comments that followed.

Intimacy is a very necessary thing, I think more so for women than for men, although not always. I know that I have had relationships with men who needed and wanted a lot of intimacy, although rarely as much as me. I think that sometimes people confuse intimacy for sex and vice versa. They really are two very different things.

The lack of intimacy is what tends to lead to that "disconnected" feeling that many people in relationships experience at different times. Intimacy can mean an intimate conversation, it can mean a form of physical touch. The definition sometimes varies by personality. To me it's a feeling, something completely subjective. It's a feeling I get sometimes when someone holds my hand, plays with my hair, snuggles with me, or is having a conversation with me about hopes and dreams, fears and let-downs. I think for me it boils down to vulnerability ... it's when someone let's themselves be vulnerable, and allows you to do it too. Which is why it can be so subjective. It's tearing down your walls, helping someone else tear down theirs ... it's giving someone the power to hurt you.

In my personal opinion and experience it seems that sex without intimacy is just that; sex .. while sex with intimacy is where the true experience of making love lies. However you can have intimate conversations, intimate moments with people that you have no sexual relationship with at all ... sex is not intimacy ... and intimacy is not sex.

I think intimacy is a basic human need, some need it in larger quantities than others, but it is a basic human need. It's where the idea of "quality time" comes into play and while some may have different definitions of what is considered quality time, the idea is to gain intimacy. Intimacy, at the level most of us experience it and want it,  is actually something that I think separates us from the rest of the creatures on this lovely planet. While other species express physical love and even some level of snuggling etc., I think that people, the only possible exceptions I can think of that could possibly achieve that are primates as well, we are the only ones capable of intimate conversation, intimate love, intimate friendship.

I also think intimacy is vital for the survival of romantic relationships. For me, intimacy is one of the ways that I am shown security, reassurance, affirmation ... it's another way that I know that he cares, that he loves me ... and when it's lacking and that feeling of being "disconnected" comes in ... that's when I need quality time the most ... to gain that back.

But that's just me ... for the rest of the world it could be different ...
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