My baby boy, my youngest child went off to his first day of Kindergarten today. In some ways this is relieving; a house to myself, the need for child care drastically diminished, my boy slowly turning into the man I want him to be someday. In many ways this is sad and depressing; for the foreseeable future this is the last of the pre-school-age milestones that I will see with my own children. This was the last first day of Kindergarten, it means this phase of not just their life, but mine is over.
I know for some that don't have kids, or kids of their own, or maybe even just some parents that don't have the sentimentality that I do that it doesn't make sense. My kids have been my world for 9 years, for 9 years a large part of my identity has been as a mom, mostly a stay-at-home mom of kids that weren't in school yet. I know that as they get older, which school is a part of, they need me less (which some may say is a good thing), they start developing their own lives, their own hobbies, and while they still are my life, I become less and less of theirs. Back to school nights, Kindergarten graduations, last days of school, birthdays ... these things are all very sentimental to me, probably just as much as first steps were. So far, the baby phase is my favorite phase of motherhood, from birth to about 18 months, then it gets hard, until they hit about 3 1/2, and then it gets easier again. There is a lot about recent milestones, and the fact that I'm getting older that makes me question whether or not I ever want to have more kids. The answer in reality is that I do, so yes I'm crazy, I have 3 and I want more. However, the practical side of me knows that right now is absolutely out of the question for about 100 different reasons, and as my little boy gets older, it becomes less and less practical to go back to "start over" when I've already brought 3 this far. I think that's part of the bittersweet feeling of today as well.
Overall I am happy for a successful first day for him and I just hope that the sadness of it is fleeting. I am blessed to have the three amazing children I have and that they are the kids they are, the people they are and despite some of the bittersweet stuff I am happy to be able to witness all these amazing milestones in their lives!
