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Monday, August 30, 2010

Insomnia ..

I couldn't sleep last night, my mind in 500 different places ... pretty much every aspect of my life.

I think that one of the hardest things for me when I can't sleep is knowing that the other people involved in my insomniac thoughts are in all likelihood sleeping just fine ... there's a line from a song (Almost Lover by Fine Frenzy) that says "I can't go to the ocean, I can't drive the streets at night, I can't wake up in the morning without you on my mind, so you're gone and I'm haunted, but I bet you are just fine, do I make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life" that's kind of how I feel about some of this stuff.

Some of the people I'm worried about or upset with or going through my head trying to figure out how to handle things with ... I just think that often the issues don't bother them anywhere near as much ... they don't give it as much thought .. if any ... they don't worry as much ... if at all ... so then in essence do I do this to myself? The answer is undoubtedly yes, so I must find a way to move past and move on ... maybe a way to come to a place of indifference as many of these people that I spend so much time thinking about seem to have.

But I hate indifference ... I want to care, to be passionate ... but I want it back ... I want what is right ... I want what is just ... and the presence of indifference in anyone around me hurts me ... because I let it, I get that ... but it does. However, indifference, lack of empathy, lack of compassion ... allows them to sleep at night, while I lie awake obsessing over the trespasses they have made, the pain they have caused ... I give them too much power ... I have to learn how to let that power go ... which may mean just walking away completely from some ...
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