Excited ...

Okay, I'm going to get all nerdy for a second ... but my inner nerd is very, very excited that Cataclysm is officially on pre-order ... now if I can only come up with the money to buy it ...

Ghosts ...

... to those of you that regularly read my blog you'll probably think that this is going to be some nice, deep blog about how the ghosts of our past can haunt us .. blah blah blah ...

Ironically I watched Ghosts of Girlfriends Past earlier today ... but that is not what this is about either ...

My boyfriend's dad is in the business (so to speak) of ghost hunting ... yeah T.A.P.S. all that ... so I'm leaving to go on a ghost hunt .. could be interesting ....

The only true "diary" blog part about this is that I am leaving my house right now mostly because my mom and I can't stop fighting ... so yeah ... figure we need a break from each other ...

Unconditional ....

A friend recently wrote a blog that got me thinking a little bit ... she talked about how "you have to give love to receive it" is easier said than done ... when you're actually in a difficult situation ... I agree completely ...

I have always been of the belief that you can kill them with kindness, that if you show someone enough love, especially unconditional love, they will realize how amazing love is ... they will want it ... and in turn they will give it ...

Unfortunately ... not all people react that way ....

Unfortunately ... what happens then ... as they take us for granted ... as we show them love ... they ignore it .... when we reach out ... they pull away ... this ... builds resentment ...

Maybe it's wrong, maybe resentment shouldn't be built, maybe the answer is to walk away from someone that takes away from the naturally loving people we are ... maybe someone that makes us want to reverse the golden rule, by treating them how they treat us instead of how we want to be treated ... maybe somebody that inspires that negativity in us ... maybe they are toxic to us ... maybe they shouldn't exist in our lives ...

Easy to say from the outside looking in ... I don't know many that would stay in a relationship if it was like that from the get go ... but years of dating or even marriage in ... and children ...  it's hard to walk away ... you remember the times when they did love you back ...

You remember when they wanted to touch you ... couldn't keep their hands off of you ... when you could talk on the phone for hours and hours into the night about ... absolutely nothing ... when you could sit in a restaurant and talk until they kicked you out ... and now you stare at each other over the dinner table and have absolutely nothing to say ... you remember passion ... you remember love ...

Is this what they mean in marriage vows when they say "for better or worse" ... that there are times when the love isn't there .. but you stay anyway ... or is the pain too great ..

Did this happen because their love for us changed from unconditional to conditional ... or is their behavior not a reflection of their feelings ... but their behavior has now changed our love ... it is no longer unconditional ... we need things ... as minor as they seem ... we let ourselves be torn apart by the sheer lack of reciprocity ...but in order for there to be reciprocity, the action has to be done in the first place ... so which came first the chicken or the egg? ...

I think for many ... we try and try and try and try ... we finally do give up ... we have no reason to voice our needs or show how it is we want to be treated ... because there is no point ... because what's more heartbreaking than not getting the attention we need in the first place ... is practically begging for it, making ourselves vulnerable, asking for it ... and being rejected ... it hurts too much ... so why ask ... why tell them how we feel ... is there a point .... why try .... when we know it will lead to more of our pain ... while those around us are either too ignorant to understand or just plain don't care about the pain that we are in ...

Part of the reason this hurts so much when it happens is that we are capable of love ... unconditional love ... we are capable of seeing past the faults ... of moving on ... we don't understand how someone else could not be ... we treat people how we want to be treated ... and moreso ... we treat them how we know they want to be treated ... they like their back rubbed .. we rub their back ... they like their hair played with ... we play with their hair ... their favorite dessert is brownies ... we make brownies ... we think of this as natural behavior ... a natural way of being as a human being ... as a person capable of love ... but then we tell them ... we like our hair played with ... we like to be hugged ... we want to hold their hand ... we tell them these things ... and it means nothing to them ... it is not their natural state of being ... is that a lack of love ... does that lack of reciprocity mean that their feelings for us are not as strong as our feelings for them ... or ... do they just operate completely differently ....

And in either case ... does the relationship really stand a chance in the long term ... or is it set up for failure ... a love that's unconditional would imply that none of that really matters ... but I think with unconditional love there is a matter of redemption ... it can't all be bad ... we can't feel unloved and like crap all the time ... there has to be times when things are good, when love is felt ... when love is known ... otherwise even unconditional love can fail ... rejection can destroy it ...

You have to give love to get it  ....

Again, easier to say from the outside looking in ...if we're giving all we have and getting nothing in return ... then technically those we are giving it to are getting love without giving it ... so the saying, the advice is already flawed ... and in a vicious circle theory ...so we stop giving because they're not giving .. and now nobody is giving ... our relationships in those circumstances go to hell ....

I think that much is taken for granted in relationships ... the passion .. the unending conversations .. the desire ... the feeling that all you want to do is talk to and be with and touch this person .. it's all taken for granted ... and when it's gone ... you have to look at what you're left with ... and decide if picking up all the pieces off the floor ... if trying to put this puzzle back together is worth it ... or if there are too many pieces missing ... too many holes in the puzzle ... and it's just time to walk away ...

... but most of us will stay ... through the rejection ... through the pain ... we will continue to give the best of ourselves, regardless of what we get in return ... because the love that we feel ... the love that we show ... even when it's truly flawed (which it often is) ... is totally and completely ...

...unconditional ....

I am this girl ... Archived from 03/24/09

Soo, this was sent to me as part of a forwarded email . . . but it holds so amazingly true to me I felt like posting it . . .

I'm the girl who is loyal and trustworthy...
I'm the girl who will call you handsome, instead of babe, sexy or hottie...
I'm the girl who will put my head on your shoulder, not because I'm sleepy, but because I want to be closer to you...
I'm the girl who likes to be kissed under the stars, rather than inside your bedroom or in an expensive restaurant...
I'm the girl who holds your hand and plays with it....
I'm the girl who doesn't mind you playing with her hair....
I'm the girl who makes jokes with your mom...
I'm the girl who stares into your eyes looking for what you see in me....
I'm the girl who loves to end each hug with a kiss...
I'm the girl who will take care of you when you are sick...
I'm the girl who you can talk to about anything...
I'm the girl who will cry, but still remain calm when you're hurt.....
I'm the girl who laughs at your jokes...
I'm the girl who will have many inside jokes with you and remember each one...
I'm the girl who will brag about you to all of my friends...
I'm the girl who will listen to you talk and hear every word you say...
I'm the girl who remembers when and where we first met....
I'm the girl who loves to hear you sing, even if you're horrible....
I'm the girl who loves when you hug me for no apparent reason...
I'm the girl who loves it when you hug me from behind or kiss me on the forehead, cheek or nose ....
I'm the girl who loves you for you, and doesn't care what other people say about us...
I'm the girl who'll love and adore you unconditionally...no matter what...
I'm the girl that listens to you and tries to talk to you, not at you...
I'm the girl that accepts you for who you are, good, bad and ugly...
I'm the girl who doesn't wish to change you, just wish to grow & learn with you...
I'm the girl who likes you for who you are, not what you can do for me...
I'm the girl who'll be your everything...your lover and your best friend...
I am this girl . . .


**********************************************************************

I think a lot of what is listed there above applies to a lot of girls, but certainly not all ... and I think a lot of those things are things that guys take for granted ... but when they're with a girl that doesn't have many of those traits ... they'd probably miss ... I could be wrong ... but who knows ...

Music ...

Anyone who reads my blog often, or those that read it before it moved to this site, know that I make a lot of references to music ... music is an absolutely amazing source of everything to me ... it's amazingly therapeutic ... and it amazes me how one song can change over time to fit different stages of your life, or relationship ... there's a quote ;

"you can tell more about a woman from the lyrics in her favorite songs than you can from any words that come out of her mouth"

I think that is so amazingly true, I have had the image on my MySpace forever, and now on this blog that says "music says the words we're too afraid to speak out loud" and to a large extent that's true .. I have songs that make me happy, songs I turn to when I'm sad, songs that may have literally saved my life ...

My music collection is huge, with over 10,000 songs, ranging from classical to country to hard rock to rap ... I have a few that I would classify as "in" my favorite songs .. my actual favorites vary depending on the point of my life that I'm in, and other things, but I figured I would share some of the songs with you that have meant the most to me in my life ... songs that may have changed me, saved me, moved me ... I am very lyrical ... I am about the meaning behind a song, which is why my taste is so eclectic ... but yes, the following songs have meant a lot to me ... I think there is something in them that is real, but at the same time hopeful ... an acknowledgment of loss, fear, pain, but also of hope ... Chasing Cars may actually be my favorite song ever ... it has a very deep meaning that many may miss, it can be taken as spiritual or romantic ... but the words "those three words are not enough" ... followed by the unsureness of how they will make it, with the surety that they will make it together ... it's a song about uncertainty and certainty at the same time .. and then to me the blaring chorus means everything ... isn't that what we all want from the loves of our life? ... someone that will just lay there with us ... forget the rest of the world and just lay there with us ... not forever, not always, obviously, but someone that will ... Speeding Cars .. ironically after chasing them we speed them lol ... is full of realities of life that we all face .. things that may bring on depression, etc., ... the song reminds us that we are not alone in these feelings ... they exist for all ... and finally Breathe (2 am) .. also a song about the lessons in life, the frustrations of our personal relationships and a reminder that we are not alone in our pain, in our sorrow, or in our hope ... like I said, these songs are "in" my favorite songs but are far from the only songs I would consider favorites ... in my lyrical nature I will find songs from every genre over time to share with all of you ... you will find references to music constantly in my blogs ... that's just who I am ...