I should be sleeping ...

I have to be up and getting ready for work in 8 hours ... I should be sleeping ... but I want to clear my mind first ... so that I can stand a chance of sleeping ... so I can stand a chance of not crying ... so I can stand a chance, well, of anything ...

I will say that I am grateful for the things I have been given ...I am highly aware that people have suffered greater losses, have lived under worse conditions and have suffered in general far more than I have ... and been given far less than I have been given ... however ... the wrongs done to them ... the suffering they endured ... does not justify the wrongs that have been done to me ... just because someone else "had it worse" ... doesn't mean that I'm not entitled to my own suffering, to my own angst, to my own disappointment and anger ...

Here is the thing ... in my last post about freedom ... I was emotional ... justifiably so ... but I admit I was emotional ...

Here is the thing about that ... I made one request for Christmas ... ONE ... I asked for nothing  material, nothing  monetary ... I asked for one single thing for Christmas ... to be able to spend some time, a week full of special moments, with the person I want to spend my time with most ... I made one wish for Christmas, one request ... and I was told no ... what made this all harder is in the "let me think about it" period ... she was sticky sweet, she bought me things I didn't ask for, didn't need ... like she was buttering me up to let me down ...

I have volunteered to give up things of monetary value ... I have offered to sacrifice things ... I have offered to do things ... I have done everything I can think of to make this happen ... to get my solitary Christmas wish ... and none of it was enough ... there is a lack of compassion ... a lack of caring ... a lack of loving ... a lack of
humanity in that denial ...

I could go into a list of things that were messed up ... he was going to help me fix my computer, and my kids' computer, he was going to help me fix my son's dresser ... we were going to do some stuff for a hobby we do together we do much better when we're physically with each other ... there were practical things that were going to be done, that now there is no time for ....

We have friends to visit, family to visit ... time  to spend with my children ... who love him dearly ... and it was all cut out of the picture ....



Now, I'd understand if there were principles of hers I was violating ... but I'm not ... in fact before I moved in she flat out said she expected and understood that these visits would happen ... and the first of them happened just before my son went into the hospital ... and it was much longer than we expected it to be, than she had agreed to ... because ... my son was in the hospital ... I wasn't going to drive 150 miles away and be that far away when I got a call that he was going in for emergency surgery ... so yes, he stayed passed the agreed amount of time ... but there were circumstances outside our control ... I didn't plan for my kid to end up with life-threatening pneumonia and end up on a ventilator ... I didn't plan for him to stay past the time ... and the entire time ... while I should have had all my focus on my son ... she bugged me about it ... about how he needed to leave, needed to go home ... let's just forget that my son wanted him there, that I wanted him there, that he wanted to be there for me and my son ... that he was really my primary source of support through the whole thing ... it was a relief for us to go spend the night in the hospital ... because we were away from this house ... away from the stress and the pressure ... that just the presence of her would bring ... the constant negativity ... the constant nagging on me that he needed to leave .... and he stayed so far out of her way .... hell, if I didn't tell her she wouldn't have even known he was here ... we were at the hospital so much ... and hiding away in the basement ... afraid of the stress that would come up if we left ... so yes, him visiting now would have stresses ... because I'm sure her attitude would be the same ... really she hates him ... putting me in the middle ... although all she's really doing is promoting my negative feelings toward her and creating a star-crossed lovers situation that is just making our relationship stronger ... so since she dislikes him so strongly ... it's not a real smart move on her part ...

I don't know if she has just forgotten what it's like to be in love ... I don't know if she has forgotten that he and I lived together ... we've been together for over a year ... and we've lived together ... this isn't like being in high school or something and it's just "some guy" I'm dating this week ... the only reason that he lives 150 miles away is because she wouldn't let me have my dog here ... so he sacrificed so much of his life, so that one of us could keep the dog ... so in his mind I know, and in my mind to some degree, it's because of her that he lives so far away to begin with ... I still put a lot of blame on the situation that made me move in the first place ... and blame on her in a secondary position ... but still .... had I been able to keep my dog ... he would be 15 miles away ... not 150 ...

And now, here I am ... with one single wish for Christmas, one single desire ... unmet .... and I can't meet those of my kids financially ... I wish I could skip Christmas this year ... but I can't and I won't for my children ... they will be okay ... they know this will be a light Christmas ... and they will have something to make up for it someday ... but even my children want non-material things for Christmas ... including for "mommy to be happy" ...

Well, that was pretty much flushed down the toilet at this point ... not that he, or this visit, are my sole sources of happiness ... but the denial of them hit me like a ton of bricks ... like a piano dropped off a ten story building ... my stomach went up into my chest and my heart sank down into my stomach ... I was nauseous and had palpitations, an instant headache and my entire body started shaking ... and now I can't even look at her ... I can't make eye contact ... I think I'm afraid of how piercing my eyes must be right now than I am of anything I would see on her face or in her eyes ... I am so upset, so hurt, so angry ... I feel like a child ... who is being punished for no reason ... like I'm grounded just because she felt like it ...

So, then I start thinking about my options ... I wonder if I could hide him in my basement ... how sad is that ... my kids are almost to the age where I need to start worrying about them sneaking people in and out ... and now I want to do it ... so what am I thirteen years old? or am I just being treated like it leaving me with little in options other than to act like it? ... I just can't handle this feeling of being isolated and imprisoned ... I have never felt like this ... in my entire life ... hell, when I was a teenager I had a boyfriend that lived 130 miles away and was three years older than me ... and my mom drove me to see him ... and let me stay the night at his house and let him stay the night at mine ... so when I was 14 it was okay ... but now it's not? ... and I'm supposed to believe that it's not personal about him ...

The other thing I don't think she has thought through is that I am serious about him ... this is a serious relationship ... I could see us getting married, I could see us having children ... more of her grandchildren ... and at this point when I move out ... when I have him back under the same roof as me ... I am feeling like we should make her feel just as welcome as she makes him feel ... which means not at all ... I don't think she's realized the effect this could and will have on her relationship with me in the future ... or her grandchildren .... I mean one of my kids has already expressed flat out hatred toward one of her grandparents ... I'm sure she's capable of feeling that way about another ... she had one take away her house ... one deny her her precious puppy dog ... and she feels just as strongly about this relationship as I do ... to the point that when I told her we were dating she started crying because she is afraid of losing him, and as a friend in her mind that was less likely to happen than as a boyfriend ... and that's just one of my three children ...

Parents are supposed to be supportive of their children ... unless they are in some way hurting themselves or others ... their aspirations, their goals, their relationships should be supported .... needs extend beyond physiological needs ... as humans we have a need to socialize with other people ... to laugh, to cry, to smile with people that are good for us ... as humans we have a need to be loved, to be surrounded by people who support us ... our parents, our families should be the main source of that ... I wish I knew what it was like to have parents like that ... but I haven't had that in a long time ... my parents both have had phases in time where they supported me ... but mostly all I have been is a thorn in their side ... and I wonder if I'm so awful ... if I'm worth all this negativity and control and power ... I wonder if they ever think about who shaped and molded me into this person in the first place ...

What's funny is they're all about helping my kids with anything and everything they want ... they need ... support coming out their ears for my kids desires ... it's a sad day when you become jealous of your own children .... but I think both my parents forgot that they had a daughter of their own when they decided to vicariously take mine ...especially my two daughters, that I have lost in many ways since I moved into this house, since they are two floors away from me and I can't be in two places at once ... but yes, I believe that my parents have forgotten that I am their daughter ... I'm just the mother of their grandchildren ... and that is what I'm worth to them ... so why would they be compassionate toward me ... why would they support the things I need in life, besides just keeping me alive ... and confined in this wonderful, unfinished basement I live in ... they have no reason to ... so again, as I have said before ... I will fight back my tears, bite my tongue ... and be there for my children ... pretending I am not being torn apart inside by all of this ... her philosophy is ignore it and it will go away ... but it doesn't go away ... it just gets worse and worse and worse ...

She was surprised when she said she didn't want her not wanting my boyfriend here (just to visit) to effect our relationship ... and she was surprised when I told her it already had .... I don't know how that could have possibly come as a surprise to her ... it is the main issue that we have period ... some of the other things are issues of power and control, where she exerts it all, knowing I have none, but so much of that could be overlooked if I could just have her support on this one thing ... I would be so much happier ... I would be more positive and optimistic ... if I just had her support ... if I just could have this one Christmas wish ... if she would just accept that he is a major part of me and my kids' lives ... that we need him ... if she would just accept that so many of the other problems would seem so small, but as it stands this is just one HUGE magnifying glass on the whole situation ... but why would she understand any of that ... I try to explain it to her and she tells me I'm crazy and I need to talk to a counselor and that she's not listening ...  just ignore it and it will go away ... I wish this was something talking to a counselor could change ... but when the hatred for the man I love stares me in the face every day ... that's nothing a counselor can fix ... I actually think I've handled the situation well, I rarely lash out at her ... I bite my tongue all the time, I find cathartic ways of dealing with my depression and anger over her attitude, her decisions ... this isn't a counseling issue ... this is an issue with her ... now maybe if we went and saw one together ... but I know that she has the upperhand ... she gave me a roof over my head ... so ... yep ... I owe her ... apparently I owe her more than I am willing to pay ... but the only choice I have is to go live in a homeless shelter ... and we all know that's not realistic ... so yeah ... she'll sit there and ignore there is a problem at all ... and I will continue to hurt ... and she, as the person in this world that is supposed to care about me the most, be the most compassionate, my mother ... will continue to not care ...