Freedom ....

So I asked the warden if my boyfriend could come stay with me for the week after Christmas ....which would allow us to spend Christmas, New Year's and his birthday together ... and allow us some time to hang out with friends, including his best friend that I have never met and he hasn't seen in three years since he has been serving in Afghanistan ...

The answer was he could stay for two days ... which is better than not at all ... I will say that ... although it's more of an insult than it is an offer to help ...

I am so over this all ... I would understand if I were some kind of addict or criminal, hell, I would understand if he was ... but neither of us are ... we are just two people trying to survive in an economy that sucks, in a job market that sucks ... and still maintain a relationship ....

Maintaining the relationship isn't really very hard ... but to be able to spend time together and to have to ask
permission to do that ... is something that nobody that is our age should have to do ... he doesn't ... but I do ...

... I shouldn't have to ... I should be able to say it as a statement ... "he is coming the week after Christmas" ... why do I even ask? ... because I'm polite ... maybe I need to stop being polite, and meet my own needs, my own desires ... after all it is my life ... not the warden's ... maybe I need to take the bull by the horns and just do what I want and not consider their wants and needs, since they don't consider mine ... or at least put their own set of priorities on mine ...

More than ever ... I need out of this house ... I can't even look at the warden without immediate feelings of disdain and near-hate coming into my body ... I physically react ...

It's not that nothing has been done for me, it's not that I don't appreciate having a roof over my head, food on my table, internet access, etc., .... because I do ... but then again ... I would have all those things in prison now wouldn't I? ... and the things that have been denied to me ... those I wouldn't ... so really this is a prison that I live in ... I'm over it ....

*** edit afterthought ***

I also told the warden this was all I wanted for Christmas ... nothing monetary ... nothing at all ... that this request was my one and only single wish for Christmas ... I don't know where people put their compassion ... my kids seem to get it from everyone ... but apparently I am not deserving of it ...