Perfect Attendance ...

I hear the words "Perfect Attendance" and I cringe .... all I picture is little germ factories running around the school getting other kids sick ... and as a mother with two kids that get sick far more, and far worse than other kids it almost infuriates me ... now I guess let me say that my kids have, on occasion, gotten perfect attendance awards for quarters or semesters here and there ... I'm not saying "if your kid sneezes, keep them home" ... but seriously ... if your kid is sick ... for their sake and the sake of all the other kids keep them home ...

I understand some people are in the difficult position of having to stay home from work themselves to take care of a child that doesn't go to school; I understand there are challenges, but sick children should still stay home .... even the schools usually send home guidelines ... "please keep your child at home if ...." and then list off a bunch of symptoms, etc., when your child should stay at home ... as parents I think it's an obligation to follow that ...

I have two kids with decreased immune systems ... most kids might get one out of five "active, live"  viruses they're exposed to, two of my three get pretty much every virus they're exposed to and they get sick for usually twice as long as other kids as

My New Journey ...

So, from the very beginning of this little blog I've been writing I put "body image" in my description, although it's rarely to never something I've blogged about  ... yet anyway ... but it is something that I probably should.

I'm taking a new weight loss/get fit journey, and I've started a new blog to help me on that road, to give me some accountability ... something that I think I need ... if you're not interested in reading it, that's fine, if you are, then feel free to do that as well ...

What I will tell you all on this blog is that body image is something I struggle with; and the thing is it's not just where I am now, it's actually a fear of being skinnier, being hotter, being a lot of things ... my ex-husband used to fear that, fear me being "hot" and actually admitted to me that he would try to sabotage my diet, that he would get mad at me for being successful, I guess he felt if I wasn't the perfect package that other guys wouldn't be interested and that gave him some security. For me, I have some fears in losing weight; the thing is I've been on both sides of this ... I've been the "hot girl" ... I've been the girl that could just make eye contact with someone in a bar or club and get them to come dance with me or talk to me, the girl that worked at an amusement park and got hit on once an hour on a slow day, I've been the girl that knew she could steal her friends' boyfriends, although (except that once) never did .... and then I had kidney surgery ... and I got pregnant ... damn those maternity clothes ... my whole life I had been pretty much able to stabilize my weight with my clothes, when I felt like my clothes were getting tight, I would diet for a couple weeks and all would be well, but when I had kidney surgery, I couldn't wear anything with a tight waist band for a few months, plus I wasn't very active post-surgery, I gained weight, I managed to lose almost all of that, and then I had babies ... and those maternity clothes, well, they're killer ... anyway, I now am about 90 pounds heavier than I was when I conceived my first child, 110 pounds heavier than I was when I graduated from high school ... and I have dealt with the opposite end, I've dealt with the jokes, and the remarks, I've dealt with being at clubs and bars and hearing chubby chaser jokes and fat jokes ... so here is the thing ... now in some ways I'm afraid to go back ... because I'm afraid that I will be angry at the positive reaction ... I'm afraid that if guys start to notice me, I will just automatically think they're jerks, because they wouldn't have given me the time of day when I was fat ... I'm afraid of silly things like if my boyfriend touches me more, will I be pissed off at him and think he's being superficial ... but the thing is I'm not alone in those fears, many, many women have the same thoughts, the same ideas, the same fears ... because once you've been on this side of it ... and had all the positive attention pretty much go away ... to go back is to acknowledge a few things ... A) you had control of it, and chose not to use it ... B) the bulk of the world operates on a superficial level and it's just so wrong that you, as a person, can change nothing but your appearance and completely change the way the bulk of the world looks at you ... and C) you have to face your inner demons that is just like the rest of them, the part of you that is also superficial ... some of these fears have stopped me thus far from achieving my weight loss goals, along with other factors that I will dive into more in depth in my weight loss blog ... but regardless ... it is time for me to be healthy, to face those fears head on ... and honestly, to probably be a happier person on the other end ... if you want to join me in this journey you can follow my new blog here ... Killing My Inner Nutritional Overachiever & Dealing With Her Lazy Twin Sister Too ... the "plan" commences on February 1!!

Misguided ... Well ... Everything ...

So, after some though and some conversation and a few more tiffs with my mom, I have come to a few understandings ...

First and foremost is that I will never convince her that my priorities should be important to her, however, that doesn't mean that I need to make them unimportant to me ... that means that we need to come to some kind of understanding ... and I have no clue how to do that ...

Second is that she is not being honest with me, for whatever reason she isn't ... all along her main argument as to why my boyfriend can't stay here is that it is a matter of her privacy .... a matter of her not being used to have testosterone in the house, her  not being able to walk around in her nightgown, etc., ... these are her main reasons ... but, she's going away for a week in February, close to Valentine's Day, so I say to her, well since you won't be here, can he come stay, since your privacy won't be an issue ... she tells me that she still has a problem with it ... so what exactly is her problem? If this was standard behavior of parents with grown children in the home, I may understand, if she was holding a moral high ground, I may understand, but it's not and she's not. The standard among my friends who have had to move back in with parents due to this lovely economy we live in (the number of friends that are doing that seems to be growing exponentially by the way), is that they are basically just living there like they would live anywhere else; friends, lovers, etc., all visit like normal, and they continue to maintain their lives. But, regardless, she is not being honest with me ... she is having issues with something else, whether it is me not being single and miserable (sidebar - I did at one point ask her if she was jealous and her reaction with her no, and the expression on her face, was downright insulting, then I clarified that I didn't mean about him in particular, but that I wasn't alone, that I had somebody to call mine, someone to hold, someone to talk to, and then she shut down), whether her issue is just him period, as mentioned before I kind of get put in the middle of really both of them not having any respect for the other, and really not being able to push it aside for the purpose of my sanity ... but she is not being honest with me ... and honesty is big with me ... I have walked away from more people over dishonesty and hypocrisy than I have anything else ...

Third is that I think that she may be misguided in her thought process as to why exactly I moved in with her to begin with. This speaks to her undermining my parenting, the other day my middle child was upset, we had been talking in the car for a good 45 minutes before we got home and we got home, my mom said something to her, she said something under

Guess What?

I found a little hidden button to restore my blog ... it's back ... and it's working =p

Very, very happy about that :)

Another Black Sheep Day ...

It was my daughter's 8th birthday party on Sunday ... we had a party, that was mostly for the kids ... my ex and I worked together to throw the party ... at first my daughter said the only adults she wanted there were myself, her dad and our significant others (sidebar ... I was impressed that my mom was gracious enough to allow me the gas to drive and pick up my boyfriend to go to my daughter's party, that she absolutely insisted he needed to be at) ... but my mother was an addition, followed by my father and my stepmother ... I think that my daughter (well, that daughter) ... doesn't like the stress that certain people add to our lives either ...

Anyway, we got to the pizza place and I had forgotten my camera, so my boyfriend and I ran back to the house to get it, when we left, my ex and my mom were the only adults there ... when I came back my father and my stepmother were there ... now I wrapped myself up in the kids and doing all the normal party stuff I've done at my kids' parties for the last 10 years ... keeping the kids in line ... making sure everyone was okay ... but with the adults ... I felt like a black sheep ... as my mom, my stepmom, my dad and my ex all sat at one end of the table whispering and conversating and basically ignoring the rest of the party ... my boyfriend and I kept the kids entertained and kept things going ... and they sat down there all bonding together ... I must be an awful person ... I must have done something truly awful in my life, in a former life, in whatever life you all