The People We Don't Choose ....

This really should be several different blogs ... one titled "Negativty" ... one titled "Clarification" ... and one titled "The People We Don't Choose" ... but really this all came about because of one big snowball that started from the last of those three ... and the three pieces of the puzzle fall together in a way that without all three pieces you can't see the whole picture ...

I talked recently about a bully I encountered online ... one that I considered a life long friend ... well as it turns out this led to another bully ... and in my mind someone that probably should be more capable of taking a higher road ... more capable of being mature and wise (as she is twenty or thirty years older than me) ... but that would be me judging her ... which I try very hard not to do ... people are as they are regardless of gender, age, race ... religion (in fact I would say that some of the harshest most judgmental people I have ever met or dealt with claim that they are extremely religious ... which given my vast knowledge of the Bible, Biblical history and the life and ways of Jesus is kind of ironic ... as their attitudes are far from the words that were given to us) ... but people are as they are ...

One of my biggest problems in life is that I believe in basic human kindness and goodness ... I am naive enough to believe that traits like kindness, empathy, compassion and honesty are traits that are innate in human beings ... and unfortunately, as I get older, more and more people prove me wrong ...

I guess there is no way to tell this story without just telling it ... and realizing it is entirely possible for either or both of these people to read my blog ... I must say that I am writing this for cathartic reasons, the way I do most of my blogs, and for the many other people that like to read the inner ramblings of my mind ... I am not writing this in the hopes that they read it, in fact, much of me would rather they didn't, because I don't really want to fuel the fire ... but this is my way of getting thoughts and feelings out of my head ... and getting the weight off my shoulders ... so here is the basic story ...

As I said in my previous post I had a "friend" on Facebook that several times had made negative comments on my posts ... if she had only said things when I was "bitching" or venting frustrations ... the explanation that I was to get indirectly later on might make sense ... but it wasn't, in fact, she would make these negative, mean, bullying and snide comments on either things that were completely innocent and stupid or times when I was celebrating the good things in my life ... times when I was happy ... she felt the need to bring me down ... for what reason I don't know ... and rarely did she have that

Friends, Hope & Isolation ....

Before I turn in tonight I just wanted to take a minute to breathe, to decompress to find a way to get some of these feelings out and make the stress subside ... at least slightly ...

First off, I will tell you all that have been reading my blogs lately ... that I do smile, I do laugh ... I do love my life ... I love my children ... I love my man ... I love my friends ... the three of them together make my world whole ... they keep me going ... they validate my feelings (even the negative ones) ... I am not depressed as a whole ... I am pissed off over a situation ... over living conditions I can't control ... over my parenting being undermined ... my relationship being compromised ... I am pissed off about being treated like a delinquent teenager ... when I have no reason to be ...

I am sad that I am isolated ... sad that I feel like I live in a prison with concrete walls and floors and one solitary, underground window with a grate on it to complete the feeling ... I am sad that my children have to live this way ...

I thrive on my solitude ... I do ... I like love my alone time .... but I came across a quote ... that helps me come to terms with why I love solitude and hate isolation;

“Solitude vivifies; isolation kills”  ... Joseph Roux

For me ... that says it all ... I could go on with other quotes that mean a lot to me right now ....

“Isolation is a dream killer” ... Barbara Sher

                                          or

“Isolation is the sum total of wretchedness to a man.” ... Thomas Carlyle

... both of which mean a lot to me as well right now ...


I embrace the negative feelings ... they are as important to human nature as the positive ones ... and I would rather feel amazingly strong negative feelings than not feel anything at all ... I would rather be pissed off than indifferent ... I would rather be depressed than indifferent ... I would rather be in pain than indifferent ....

Indifference is (in my dimestore psychology) a trait of a sociopath ... someone that feels no empathy for others ... indifference ... is almost ... inhuman ....

I embrace my emotions ... throughout the spectrum ... sometimes I am a doormat ... because I am way too empathetic ... but why would I want to change that ... why would I want to scale down the level of empathy I have for others?

I have hope that there will be a brighter future ... I have hope that my children will never have to live like this ... and I have knowledge that if they do ... I will not degrade them or undermine the things they hold most dear ... I do believe I am a victim of circumstance ... a victim of other people making decisions ... a victim of people wanting to help ... and getting frustrated that things aren't moving fast enough and in the end just giving me enough rope to hang myself with ... of digging me a deeper hole ... I have moved twice because I had no choice ... I have left two jobs because I had no choice ... I chose to be a stay at home mom ... which is the only choice that I personally made that left me in this place ... everything else was the result of someone trying to "help" me ... but just because I feel like a victim does not mean I'm moping in a corner not doing anything

I should be sleeping ...

I have to be up and getting ready for work in 8 hours ... I should be sleeping ... but I want to clear my mind first ... so that I can stand a chance of sleeping ... so I can stand a chance of not crying ... so I can stand a chance, well, of anything ...

I will say that I am grateful for the things I have been given ...I am highly aware that people have suffered greater losses, have lived under worse conditions and have suffered in general far more than I have ... and been given far less than I have been given ... however ... the wrongs done to them ... the suffering they endured ... does not justify the wrongs that have been done to me ... just because someone else "had it worse" ... doesn't mean that I'm not entitled to my own suffering, to my own angst, to my own disappointment and anger ...

Here is the thing ... in my last post about freedom ... I was emotional ... justifiably so ... but I admit I was emotional ...

Here is the thing about that ... I made one request for Christmas ... ONE ... I asked for nothing  material, nothing  monetary ... I asked for one single thing for Christmas ... to be able to spend some time, a week full of special moments, with the person I want to spend my time with most ... I made one wish for Christmas, one request ... and I was told no ... what made this all harder is in the "let me think about it" period ... she was sticky sweet, she bought me things I didn't ask for, didn't need ... like she was buttering me up to let me down ...

I have volunteered to give up things of monetary value ... I have offered to sacrifice things ... I have offered to do things ... I have done everything I can think of to make this happen ... to get my solitary Christmas wish ... and none of it was enough ... there is a lack of compassion ... a lack of caring ... a lack of loving ... a lack of

Compassion .. a message for all ...

I was raised in a church where we were taught compassion ... where acceptance was taught as one of the main principles of scripture ... where empathy, love and compassion for our enemies, for those of different faiths, or no faith, different cultures, different political views were to be respected, as fellow members of the human race .. we were taught to show love and empathy by example ... and not force our views or scripture on to other people ... we were taught to examine other religions ... we were taught to do this in an academic and respectful manner ... in my confirmation classes we read pieces of the Torah, the Quran, the Aqdas, the

The Delivery ....

Sometimes it's the delivery ... not the message ...

If someone gives you the best news that you could have ever heard ... but in the wrong way ... or the worst news you have ever heard but in the right way ... it can change your reaction completely ...

When someone is angry all the time ... and everything they say ... even positive things ... come off with that angry overtone (or even undertone) ... the receiver of the message will probably not see things in the positive light that they may have if the delivery was upbeat and positive ...

Body language is extremely important in person, as is facial expression, followed by tone of voice ... over the phone ... tone of voice means more than the words you say ...

Control vs Happiness ...

So, for some reason I have watched Ghosts of Girlfriends Past way more often than I should lately, part of that has to do with what is on demand right now and that I think that watching a movie that I've seen a million times would mean that maybe it would put me to sleep ... I like the movie for several reasons ... the characters remind me of people I've known or even still know ... of relationships that I've had ...

Anyway, there is a point in the movie where the main character, played by Matthew McConaughey, is given advice to basically not care in a relationship ... the advice is ... "the one that cares the least is the one with the most control" .... as cynical and downright awful as that sounds, there is a lot of truth in that statement ... to anyone that has ever been in a one-way relationship ... they know this ... we'll ignore for a minute that a relationship should not ever be one way ... but in the instance where a girl is head over heels in love with a guy and he is only mildly interested ... he does hold the power ... because she will, in most cases, go to great extents to seek approval, reassurance, love ... will be willing to change and compromise, possibly to a fault ... leaving him with all the control ... and yes, as sure as anything else in life, those roles can easily be reversed ... but when it comes down to it ... I think that it's true ... the person that is in "control" of a relationship like that is the person that cares the least ...

.... now we all know that those kinds of relationships are neither healthy nor very successful ... because eventually those issues will come to a head ... now ... back to the movie ... at the end of the movie ... after he's been visited by these ghosts ... and seen things from a new perspective ... he realizes that his fear of being

Black Sheep ...

I went to a family function today ... something I generally dread ... I practically pray that one of my kids will get sick, that I will have some excuse to not go ...

It's hard to explain to any outsider the feelings that I have ... over the years there have been so many sarcastic, backhanded compliments, so much favoritism among the grandchildren, so much judgment and disapproval ...

Today I basically was sat at the kiddie table (place card and all) ... now mind you I was one of two adults at what was more the kid "end of the table" ... a table that was set up at the end of the actual dining room table and three of the five children sitting there were mine ... so I'm probably being hypersensitive ... and if it wasn't for the history it may not mean anything to me ... but there is that ... there's history ...

There's a lot of history ... there's periods of time where I didn't speak to various members of my family and vice versa ... always on the outside looking in ... never good enough ... never met with a sense of approval ... they could always find the one negative in anything ... 

Just several weeks ago there was another family event, and all my stepbrothers and stepsisters were there (well, maybe not all, I wouldn't know) ... my father who married my stepmother just over a year ago, nor anyone else introduced me to anyone ... there were people there that are supposed to be part of my "new" family and nobody bothered to even make an introduction ... there have been a lot of times I have felt like an outcast in my father's family, but that one probably was close to the top of the list, if not actually at it ... maybe that was my fault, maybe I should have introduced myself ... maybe I should have said something like, "are you going to do introductions" ... but I didn't ... then again ... neither did any of them ...

It might have something to do with the fact that my stepmother doesn't even speak to me anymore ... the whole thing is so weird to me ... I liked her, a lot, when my dad told me he was getting married I was genuinely happy and excited for him ... they were very lovey dovey, I had never seen him behave that way with any woman ever, not my mom, not the two multiple year relationships that he had after her ... not even the short ones in between ... they both seemed to genuinely love and care for each other. Oddly enough right after they were officially married, she seemed to change, and it wasn't just me that saw it, there were others as well ... she became much more naggy, and she seemed to want me as far from his life as possible. Then there was the whole house fiasco which you can read about in previous blogs, that pretty much everyone I know that knows my father as well, thinks she had much more of a hand in than he did. The couple I saw that I was happy for and the one that exists now are very different ... when my father came down on me for some things during the house issue I did say some negative things about her, in truth I think she is using him ... pointing that out to him was not taken well, needless to say ...

Anyway, back to today ... it wasn't that bad ... but still I am not in the "in crowd" ... not part of the inner circle ... a lesser person by whatever definition they use ... I'll just use the words black sheep ...

Unconditional ....

A friend recently wrote a blog that got me thinking a little bit ... she talked about how "you have to give love to receive it" is easier said than done ... when you're actually in a difficult situation ... I agree completely ...

I have always been of the belief that you can kill them with kindness, that if you show someone enough love, especially unconditional love, they will realize how amazing love is ... they will want it ... and in turn they will give it ...

Unfortunately ... not all people react that way ....

Unfortunately ... what happens then ... as they take us for granted ... as we show them love ... they ignore it .... when we reach out ... they pull away ... this ... builds resentment ...

Maybe it's wrong, maybe resentment shouldn't be built, maybe the answer is to walk away from someone that takes away from the naturally loving people we are ... maybe someone that makes us want to reverse the golden rule, by treating them how they treat us instead of how we want to be treated ... maybe somebody that inspires that negativity in us ... maybe they are toxic to us ... maybe they shouldn't exist in our lives ...

Easy to say from the outside looking in ... I don't know many that would stay in a relationship if it was like that from the get go ... but years of dating or even marriage in ... and children ...  it's hard to walk away ... you remember the times when they did love you back ...

You remember when they wanted to touch you ... couldn't keep their hands off of you ... when you could talk on the phone for hours and hours into the night about ... absolutely nothing ... when you could sit in a restaurant and talk until they kicked you out ... and now you stare at each other over the dinner table and have absolutely nothing to say ... you remember passion ... you remember love ...

Is this what they mean in marriage vows when they say "for better or worse" ... that there are times when the love isn't there .. but you stay anyway ... or is the pain too great ..

Did this happen because their love for us changed from unconditional to conditional ... or is their behavior not a reflection of their feelings ... but their behavior has now changed our love ... it is no longer unconditional ... we need things ... as minor as they seem ... we let ourselves be torn apart by the sheer lack of reciprocity ...but in order for there to be reciprocity, the action has to be done in the first place ... so which came first the chicken or the egg? ...

I think for many ... we try and try and try and try ... we finally do give up ... we have no reason to voice our needs or show how it is we want to be treated ... because there is no point ... because what's more heartbreaking than not getting the attention we need in the first place ... is practically begging for it, making ourselves vulnerable, asking for it ... and being rejected ... it hurts too much ... so why ask ... why tell them how we feel ... is there a point .... why try .... when we know it will lead to more of our pain ... while those around us are either too ignorant to understand or just plain don't care about the pain that we are in ...

Part of the reason this hurts so much when it happens is that we are capable of love ... unconditional love ... we are capable of seeing past the faults ... of moving on ... we don't understand how someone else could not be ... we treat people how we want to be treated ... and moreso ... we treat them how we know they want to be treated ... they like their back rubbed .. we rub their back ... they like their hair played with ... we play with their hair ... their favorite dessert is brownies ... we make brownies ... we think of this as natural behavior ... a natural way of being as a human being ... as a person capable of love ... but then we tell them ... we like our hair played with ... we like to be hugged ... we want to hold their hand ... we tell them these things ... and it means nothing to them ... it is not their natural state of being ... is that a lack of love ... does that lack of reciprocity mean that their feelings for us are not as strong as our feelings for them ... or ... do they just operate completely differently ....

And in either case ... does the relationship really stand a chance in the long term ... or is it set up for failure ... a love that's unconditional would imply that none of that really matters ... but I think with unconditional love there is a matter of redemption ... it can't all be bad ... we can't feel unloved and like crap all the time ... there has to be times when things are good, when love is felt ... when love is known ... otherwise even unconditional love can fail ... rejection can destroy it ...

You have to give love to get it  ....

Again, easier to say from the outside looking in ...if we're giving all we have and getting nothing in return ... then technically those we are giving it to are getting love without giving it ... so the saying, the advice is already flawed ... and in a vicious circle theory ...so we stop giving because they're not giving .. and now nobody is giving ... our relationships in those circumstances go to hell ....

I think that much is taken for granted in relationships ... the passion .. the unending conversations .. the desire ... the feeling that all you want to do is talk to and be with and touch this person .. it's all taken for granted ... and when it's gone ... you have to look at what you're left with ... and decide if picking up all the pieces off the floor ... if trying to put this puzzle back together is worth it ... or if there are too many pieces missing ... too many holes in the puzzle ... and it's just time to walk away ...

... but most of us will stay ... through the rejection ... through the pain ... we will continue to give the best of ourselves, regardless of what we get in return ... because the love that we feel ... the love that we show ... even when it's truly flawed (which it often is) ... is totally and completely ...

...unconditional ....

Burn ..

How capable of change are people?



Will a cheater always cheat?


A liar always lie?


A thief always steal?


An addict always find an addiction?


An abuser always hurt those they love?


A narcissist ever see anyone other than themselves as a first priority?



I personally think that a one time slip, a cheat, a lie, a chance to steal taken, a bout with an addiction during a rough time, a one time loss of temper and occasionally being selfish ... may just be that ... a slip ...

But the older I get ... the more experience ... the more people burn me ... the more I wonder ... burn me once shame on you ... burn me twice shame on me ... burn me three times ... well, yeah ...

I think that a track record means that change is less likely. I also think that when these things compound on themselves (for instance a cheater lies because they have an addiction to foreign sex if not just sex period, maybe blaming an addiction for what they did, in the process they are being selfish and psychologically abusive to those they love), it makes someone even less likely to change ... a track record of doing these things in a compounded form ... well maybe they need help, maybe they are still capable of change ... but I think a pattern of behavior is predictable ...


Someone that is likely to change, in my maturing opinion, experiences remorse & regret ... will beg for forgiveness when necessary and do anything to win back the people they hurt in the process ... people who don't experience remorse & regret ... that continue to lie .... that continue to think only of themselves first ... through watching other people's pain .... I think they may be incapable of change ... and that, for the sake of many around me, breaks my heart ....


Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie


... You don't get another chance ... Life is no Nintendo game...

Intimacy

This should probably really be called "intimacy vs sex" but meh ... this was kind of inspired by my earlier blog; Contact and the comments that followed.

Intimacy is a very necessary thing, I think more so for women than for men, although not always. I know that I have had relationships with men who needed and wanted a lot of intimacy, although rarely as much as me. I think that sometimes people confuse intimacy for sex and vice versa. They really are two very different things.

The lack of intimacy is what tends to lead to that "disconnected" feeling that many people in relationships experience at different times. Intimacy can mean an intimate conversation, it can mean a form of physical touch. The definition sometimes varies by personality. To me it's a feeling, something completely subjective. It's a feeling I get sometimes when someone holds my hand, plays with my hair, snuggles with me, or is having a conversation with me about hopes and dreams, fears and let-downs. I think for me it boils down to vulnerability ... it's when someone let's themselves be vulnerable, and allows you to do it too. Which is why it can be so subjective. It's tearing down your walls, helping someone else tear down theirs ... it's giving someone the power to hurt you.

In my personal opinion and experience it seems that sex without intimacy is just that; sex .. while sex with intimacy is where the true experience of making love lies. However you can have intimate conversations, intimate moments with people that you have no sexual relationship with at all ... sex is not intimacy ... and intimacy is not sex.

I think intimacy is a basic human need, some need it in larger quantities than others, but it is a basic human need. It's where the idea of "quality time" comes into play and while some may have different definitions of what is considered quality time, the idea is to gain intimacy. Intimacy, at the level most of us experience it and want it,  is actually something that I think separates us from the rest of the creatures on this lovely planet. While other species express physical love and even some level of snuggling etc., I think that people, the only possible exceptions I can think of that could possibly achieve that are primates as well, we are the only ones capable of intimate conversation, intimate love, intimate friendship.

I also think intimacy is vital for the survival of romantic relationships. For me, intimacy is one of the ways that I am shown security, reassurance, affirmation ... it's another way that I know that he cares, that he loves me ... and when it's lacking and that feeling of being "disconnected" comes in ... that's when I need quality time the most ... to gain that back.

But that's just me ... for the rest of the world it could be different ...

Contact

I think even the strongest of women sometimes need to have the man in their life be their man. There's a line from a Shania Twain song; the woman in me, needs the man in you. I can completely understand that line.

I am a very physical person anyway, author Gary Chapman wrote a book on the 5 love languages and I come out pretty strongly on the physical side. Despite this I think even those that don't lean that way sometimes need contact.

There are times when I feel like I just need to be held, to feel the strength of my man's arms, the smell of his skin. Despite how that might sound it's not even remotely sexual (although it could be), it's just sheer human contact. The brush of a hand, the warmth of a hug, just the security that comes with being held.

I have had a few stressful days, that have emphasized the fact that I am now in a long distance relationship, and that contact is harder to come by. Sure, I have my kids, my mom, my cats; but it's just not the same, it's not the same level of security or strength; for my kids I'm sure that it has that meaning to them, and there is security in the snuggles of my children, but it's still not the same.

I am a pretty strong girl, woman whatever female term you want to use, but there are times when I just need to be weak, to be vulnerable, to just be held. This is something I will have to get used to for the foreseeable future, as sharing a city, nonetheless home, with him is something out of reach right now.