Supervision ... or lack there of ...

Okay, so this is something that is kind of hard to blog about for me ... because it feels more personal than the feelings I put out there all the time ... I guess I'm worried about judgment ... and actually that leads me to another post that I will write in the near future ... but ... here goes ...

... so yesterday my stuff finally went through for food stamps ... so I'm officially on food stamps and in 45 days or less, once I meet a few requirements and they get done processing my information ... I will be on maximum TANF for a family of 4 ... TANF my friends, is welfare ... straight out cash benefits ... welfare ...

Last night, for the first time in 5 months I went to the grocery store by myself .... no supervision ... nobody telling me that this brand is better than that brand ... nobody telling me anything ....

I could taste the freedom ... I don't even think I bought anything I was told I couldn't in the past ... although today I completely plan on buying bottled water ... which my mom refuses to buy ... and I know my green side sounds unheard from right now ... but it is something that I've learned about myself ... I drink more water if it's readily available and refridgerator cold ... I refill the bottles with my Brita filter thingy .... so a case of water lasts me months .... but to not be able to have it at all has been frustrating ... and I have noticed I'm dehydrated .... you can pass that off as me being lazy ... but to be honest ... in this little basement I'm in I have four cats ... and anyone that knows anything about cats ... knows ... that if I have a glass of water sitting around .... one of two things will happen ... it will either get knocked over or filled with cat hair and for me at least seem undrinkable ... so yes, I will be buying bottled water with my food stamps as my one thing that has been always denied to me ... other things have been negotiated ... brands, substitutions, etc., .... plus as much as I hate Wal-Mart for their practices, I walk into other grocery stores (including Target) and see things for double the price and it makes me cringe .... my money will go further shopping in places that I know have good prices ... but anyway ... last night I didn't buy anything that she ever would have denied me or my children, really, I mean I bought my kind of bread ... and bought each of the kids a treat, one wanted oreos, one wanted rocky road ice cream, and one wanted Coke (I bought the mini-cans) ... I told them this won't be
normal, but I felt like with my first taste of freedom, they all deserved a treat as well ... but I didn't do the rebel thing ... I just did the natural thing ... but just the fact that I could do that ... without my mom there having to approve any request, any purchase ... without her deciding what we as a household needed .... it was amazingly refreshing ....

When I get my TANF it won't be much ... I mean I guess if you're in Section 8 housing, so you have little to no rent, and on food stamps ... then it's enough to pay the utilities ... and put a couple tanks of gas in a car, but that's about it ... I mean my utilities and car insurance would take up the majority of it ... but also to those receiving TANF ... the RTD is free ... that would be the local bus system ... and we get LEAP ... which pays for a portion or all of our electric and natural gas bills during the winter ... I have two kids with medical exemptions for turning off the power ... I guess one could make it work ... but the TANF and the food stamps together, at maximum level for a family of four is equivalent to making $7.22 an hour full time ... which isn't bad ... but really doesn't support a family of four ... but when I do get my TANF ... it will be nice to be able to do some of the non-food things I need to do without supervision ... I've lived on very little money before ... it's not like I want to be out there buying steak dinners and name brand make up or something ... but really ... just to taste the freedom of being unsupervised ... does my soul ... my emotional well-being a world of good ....